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Contains Jokes

What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single sperm contains 37.5MB of DNA

Meanwhile ejaculation is equivalent to a data transfer of roughly 1,587.5TB. Now, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

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Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

Warning: contains spoilers

>!spoilers!<

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test...

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Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones:

After you drink enough.

you cannot drive:

Or shut the fuck up:

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

A fire hydrant contains H20 on the inside.

And K9P on the outside.

Pasta joke: what sauce contains tomato, garlic, olives, capers, anchovies and a despotic lunatic?

Putinesca

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Did you know that beer contains female hormones?

It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.

All apologies to the fairer sex.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

A man's hand contains 27 bones.

Loneliness causes 28

A man finds a magic lamp which contains a genie...

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes but anything he asks for his ex-wife will get doubled. The man thinks a moment before saying he wanted one million dollars. The genie said it is done and your ex-wife has received two million. For his second wish he said he wanted a large home. Agai...

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

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One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

Is there a word that contains all the vowels, including Y?

Unquestionably.

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

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What's furry and contains cat shit?

A cat.

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Which state contains the most Jews?

Gaseous state.

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ...

... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

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The average sperm cell contains 37.5 MB of data

That means the average ejaculation contains 1587.5 TB of data.

It's a lot of information to spit out before getting a divorce, leaving with the kids and house, and leaving you with nothing but a dingy car and your clothes to live the rest of your sad, lonely life.

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood..

Then why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait...Twilight.

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

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Two pilots

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit while a stewardess enters. She asks if they want coffee or tea, but both pilots ignore her.

She then asks "what's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?" The captain looks over his shoulder, not saying anything. She continues: "A cockpit contains ...

The 'g' in 'contains 100% angus beef'...

is the different between a great steak, and a hot dog.

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters?

A Pedo File.

The freemasons have created a new drink that contains a high amount of metal

They call it 'Alumina-tea'

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