Enemies Jokes - 39 Hilarious Enemies Jokes

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

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One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

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Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

A Pastor is preaching on Loving Your Enemies

He expounds on the value of grace and forgiveness to all and how we are called to love our neighbors and our enemies as much as we love ourselves.

The congregation is roused to action and filled with the Holy Spirit

The pastor asks them all "Will you go out into the world and love you...

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Chuck Norris killed 50 enemies with a hand grenade.

Then the grenade exploded.

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Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

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What do you call a knight encircled in enemies?

Sir Rounded

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How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lad...

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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The man with no enemies.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Almost everyone held up their hands, but some were hesitant.

So the minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, ...

Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

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How do you defeat your enemies?

Chop off their feet.

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A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands...

What do the English use to blow up their enemies?

Tea N' Tea.

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A man chops off his enemies feet

You can say he was defeated

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How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

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Did you hear about the knight who used to take his slain enemies' foreskins as trophies?

His name was Sir Cumcision

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3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

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Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Like within stabbing distance.

It’s much more practical that way.

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How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?

They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"

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Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them

In the end, time wounds all heels.

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Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

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I'm bothered that I keep getting distracted about the idea of smooching one of my enemies.

I need to learn how to foe kiss.

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In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

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I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

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If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

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After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

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Alcohol is our worst enemy

Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies.

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Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are?

Blackheads.

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We should clone Terry Crews and arm his horde of clones to wage war on our enemies

He could form the basis for a new milli-Terry

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I went to church on Sunday and the message from the pulpit was to "love your enemies."

But I have a hard time even liking my friends.

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The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

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[For enemies] You know the difference between you and I?

You came out of your mom.

I came in her.

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A preacher was telling his congregation about the virtues of forgiving their enemies.

He asked if anyone there had no enemies. An 85 year old man raises his hand. The preacher is amazed. He says, "Will you tell us, good sir, how is you have no enemies?" The old man says, " yeah, I've outlived all the fuckers."

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