3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

A Pastor is preaching on Loving Your Enemies

He expounds on the value of grace and forgiveness to all and how we are called to love our neighbors and our enemies as much as we love ourselves.

The congregation is roused to action and filled with the Holy Spirit

The pastor asks them all "Will you go out into the world and love you...

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

Did you hear about the knight who used to take his slain enemies' foreskins as trophies?

His name was Sir Cumcision

I'm bothered that I keep getting distracted about the idea of smooching one of my enemies.

I need to learn how to foe kiss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Where does Chewbacca go to get confidential documents about his enemies?

Wookieeleaks.

During A Battle, After the Death Of His Brother, A Prince from The Human Kingdom Screams to his Soldiers:

\- Kill the enemies, we must avenge my brother!!


then the elf archer, one of his most loyal allies says:


\- You got my bow at your side;


After that, the dwarf, a strong warrior says to the prince:


\- You got my hammer at your side;


At ...

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there were two native tribes who were bitter enemies

One tribe lived in houses made of sticks, and the other tribe lived in houses made of grass. Each tribe had a sacred throne on which the tribe elder would sit and judge his people.

On day, the tribe who made their houses out of grass raided the village of the tribe who made their houses out ...

What did the English use to blow up their enemies ?

Tea N Tea.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lad...

The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them

In the end, time wounds all heels.

What do you call a knight encircled in enemies?

Sir Rounded

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

Not to be a racist

But I feel the natural enemies of the Klingons shouldn't be humans it should be the Teflons.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Like within stabbing distance.

It’s much more practical that way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long ago, Santa had no enemies...until he heard Mrs Claus moaning in the bedroom.

Cocking his shotgun, he thought, *Now I know why they called you Krampus.*

The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are the Turkish and the Kurds enemies?

They taste good on their own but together they're crap

How does a mailman kill his enemies?

He de-livers them.

How do you defeat your enemies?

Chop off their feet.

We should clone Terry Crews and arm his horde of clones to wage war on our enemies

He could form the basis for a new milli-Terry

How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?

They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

I went to church on Sunday and the message from the pulpit was to "love your enemies."

But I have a hard time even liking my friends.

Our parents say alcohol is our enemy

Jesus tells us to love our enemies...

If I had a penny for every time I thought about my enemies...

I'll have no pennies. Cause I erased them all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands...

Why does Satan take communion?

He enjoys drinking the blood of his enemies.

Guy's on death bed. Priest says "Denounce Satan my son" and he says...

"Now is not the time to make enemies Father!"

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