UPJOKE
drivenneuroticimpulsiveworkaholiccompulsiondeterminedambitiouspsychoneuroticobsessiveantisocialnarcissisticpathologicalhabitualhyperactivepsychotic

A few members of the Obsessive Compulsive support group decided to start a band

The called it OCDC

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The compulsive liar goes to the doctor

Patient: "Doctor I'm constipated! I haven't been to the bathroom for 10 whole weeks!"

Doctor: "I think you are full of shit!"

Patient: "That's what I'm saying!"

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I just joined a support group for compulsive masturbators.

We are trying to pull ourselves together.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers.

It's called On and On Anon.

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

me : im a compulsive liar

friend: really?

me: no

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

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My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar

Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

I've been a compulsive worrier for years.



My mates said. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."



"I hired a professional worrier for £1000 a week." I said. "I haven't had a single worry since."



"A thousand a week!" they said. "How the hell are you going to pay him?"



"I don...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

I asked my doctor if I have OCD because of my compulsive cleaning.

Apparently cleaning your browser history does not count.

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

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Did you hear the one about the guy who compulsively masturbated at work?

He was just trying to get off.

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

Are you a compulsive spender?

Buy this $1 Quiz today to find out!

Quiz results: 100% of people who bought this quiz were identified as compulsive spenders.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years

to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jac...

My wife says that I'm compulsively oppositional

I have to disagree

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher?

He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

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Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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An Englishman meets a Welshman.....

Englishman: "Is that your dog?"

Welshman: "Yep"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Welshman: "I mean he won't talk back but go ahead!!"

Englishman: "Hey Dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "I'm doing alright!!"

Welshman: (Shocked)

Englishman: "Is this you...

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The Perfect Man

So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:

Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.

Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wr...

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A patient walks into a therapist's office.

The patient says "You would not believe the week I've had".

The doctor says "No. You're a compulsive liar, that's why you're here."

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

For 2016 I gave up smoking, for 2017 I gave up drinking.

For 2018 I gave up compulsive lying.

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OCD

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All f...

A guy is talking to his alchaholic/ addicted friend

He's telling his friend said that scientists have developed a pill that will take away his desire to drink and get high. His compulsive nature and overconsumption will be cured with one pill.

Friend says "what happens if I take 10?"

I was born handsome, charming witty and wise

I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

Three psychiatrist are talking. . .

Three psychiatrist are talking about how everyone comes to them with their problems but they have no one to go to with their problems. They agree to share their problems with each other.
The first psychiatrist says, “I’m addicted to Barbiturates. I write myself prescriptions all the time.”
The...

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

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