UPJOKE
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Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it has no point.

What does a triangle call a circle?

Pointless.

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

A circle walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and waves, then shouts to the whole room, "another drink for everybody - on this guy!" Everybody in the pub cheers.

But the circle is not happy. Frowning, he marches up to the bartender. "What the eff, dude? Why are all the drinks on me?" , the circle angrily demands of the bartender.



The bartender replies, "hey, don't get mad, circle buddy. It's just ... you're round!"

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

Why are circles round?

They're to cool to be square..

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

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Smoking dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of dru...

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

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Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

Why do people walk in circles and not in squares?

Because they are cutting corners.

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An Older woman got pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for ...

Did you hear about the Russian firing squad?

They stood in a circle

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

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Why is the USS Enterprise like toilet paper?

It circles Uranus and wipes out any Klingons.

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What do you call a circle of masturbating cows?

Beef circle jerky

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(NSFW) Bob Gets Assigned to the Artic Circle and to His Dismay He Notices There are No Women?

Bob gets assigned to the Artic Circle and to his dismay he notices there are no women?

Bob approaches a random coworker named Steve and says, "I notice there are no women around here?"

Steve: You've got good eye, sadly, no, there are no women.

Bob looks around and says, "Well...

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

Why are farmers so good at drawing circles?

Because the are Protractors

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

What did the triangle say to the circle?

“Ay bb you’re all curves, lemme smash. Come on, just the tip.”

So the circle says

“Wow … you’re rather pointed”

And the triangle replies,

“At least I’m not a square.”

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

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What does starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for clingons

A Texan was driving through Oklahoma

A Texan was driving through Oklahoma, and driving over the speed limit on the highway. A highway patrol officer pulled him over.

The officer requested his drivers license and registration.

As the officer was filling out the citation, there were many flies dancing around the officer’s ...

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

(Thought of this in the shower. It’s a little cheesy)

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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There's only one way to end a circle jerk

And that's to let it come full circle

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Why do sharks circle people befor they eat them?

Because people taste better without shit in them....

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

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Two anthropologists are walking through a forest

They come across a tribe dancing in a circle chanting,

”BUMBA!, BUMBA!”

As they are taking notes they are suddenly captured.

They wake up hours later in front of the tribe and its chief.

The chief walks up to the first anthropologists and says,

”You have two option...

A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircrafts...

I think they're done by Cereal Killers.

I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

Why is it called “the circle of life?”

You can find happiness in every corner.

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together. I asked one of them, 'What the hell is going on?'

He said, 'First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club'

Triangle Circle Square

A triangle walks up to a circle and says “your pointless!” a square goes to the circle and says “you know he’s got a point.”
The circle says with a sad tone in his voice “actually square… he’s got 3.”

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Preacher

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached loudly, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several jerks and circles, a little girl i...

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

Daddy, daddy!! Why do I keep walking in circles?!

Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

A blind man is went into a store

A blind man went into a store with his dog and swings it around in circles. An employee asks if he needs any help. The man says, "No I'm just taking a look"

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?

The circle of life!

if you made a Venn diagram of Rick And Morty fans and Tool fans what would it look like?

Would it be a Perfect Circle?

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A sleepwalker walks into a bar

A guy runs into a bar and just starts jogging in circles around the interior with his eyes shut. "Holy crap! That's Bob, and I think he's sleep walking. Heck, he's sleep running!" the waitress exclaims to the bartender. "He sure is fast asleep," the bartender comments.

I hate those traffic circle thingies when I'm not needing to turn.

It seems straight forward, but it's a really roundabout way of doing things.

Circle

why did the shapes kicked circle out of their discord server?

Because circle was all edge, no point

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

Do you know why the researchers have to take a ship to explore the Arctic circle?

Because there's Norway beyond Scandinavia!

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

How to stop a baby from crawling around in circles

Nail its other hand to the floor

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

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My friend does a circle jerk with his friends every year. He hosted their first one 5 years ago, and the one this year is returning back to his place.

He’s really cum full circle

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

Why Kim Jong-un has dark circles under eyes?

Because the enemy never sleeps!

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...

What did the Polygon say to the Circle when the Circle wanted to be more edgy?

Triangles.

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A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

Never invite a circle to a party

They tend to make one-sided conversations.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

Did you guys hear the one about the circle?

Yeah. That one really gets a-round.

I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval...

I mean seriously, it’s pointless.

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

I made a joke about disabled people in my friend circle once.

My blind friend just sighed and told me it wasn't funny.

I guess she couldn't see the humor in it.

Thots are like circles.

Curvy, but pointless.

A circle is talking to a square.

The circle says: “I only have one side.”

The square then responds with: “What’s your point?”

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A Russian and Irish wrestler.....

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in ...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

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