UPJOKE
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Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it has no point.

Why are farmers so good at drawing circles?

Because the are Protractors

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

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Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You’re pointless!

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A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

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(NSFW) Bob Gets Assigned to the Artic Circle and to His Dismay He Notices There are No Women?

Bob gets assigned to the Artic Circle and to his dismay he notices there are no women?

Bob approaches a random coworker named Steve and says, "I notice there are no women around here?"

Steve: You've got good eye, sadly, no, there are no women.

Bob looks around and says, "Well...

What did the triangle say to the circle?

“Ay bb you’re all curves, lemme smash. Come on, just the tip.”

So the circle says

“Wow … you’re rather pointed”

And the triangle replies,

“At least I’m not a square.”

A circle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "another drink for everyone, on this guy!"
Everyone cheers and clinks their glasses.
The circle frowns, "what the hell are you doing man? Why'd you do that?"
The bartender says "you're round!"

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What do you call a circle of masturbating cows?

Beef circle jerky

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

if you made a Venn diagram of Rick And Morty fans and Tool fans what would it look like?

Would it be a Perfect Circle?

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

(Thought of this in the shower. It’s a little cheesy)

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

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There's only one way to end a circle jerk

And that's to let it come full circle

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons.

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

You walk through the woods and come across a severed dead body. What do you do?

Check your map, clearly you're walking in circles

A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircrafts...

I think they're done by Cereal Killers.

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

Squares are cool, but circles have

pi

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together. I asked one of them, 'What the hell is going on?'

He said, 'First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club'

Why did the blonde remove the lense from her eye and draw circles around it for hours?

She was practicing before her interview to be a contact tracer.

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Why do sharks circle people befor they eat them?

Because people taste better without shit in them....

God…

A Catholic priest ,an Iman and a Rabbi explains to each other their gifts to god. The catholic priest says we draw a circle on the ground and throw all the donations in the air and everything that lands in the circle we give to God. The Iman says we do a very similar where we draw a circle and every...

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

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A Russian and Irish wrestler.....

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in ...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

My friend only has a left foot...

Every time he buys shoes he saves the right one, dreaming of a day when he meets a women with only a right foot.

I keep telling him that even if this dream woman exists, they'll probably never meet because they run in opposite circles.

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog.

Without saying a word, the man takes the leash of his dog and swings the dog above his head in a circle like a lasso.

After a short time, the barman finally asks "what are you doing?!"

Thereupon the blind man says: Oh, I just wanted to take a look around.

Mans best friend

I was having troubles with my girlfriend.

We were always arguing, usually about my behaviour or my friends circle; mostly about nothing in my eyes.

One day she said why don't we get a dog. Great idea! We got a puppy and we went for a long drive into the country side.

When we got...

Circle

why did the shapes kicked circle out of their discord server?

Because circle was all edge, no point

Why is it called “the circle of life?”

You can find happiness in every corner.

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

Daddy, daddy!! Why do I keep walking in circles?!

Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

Do you know why the researchers have to take a ship to explore the Arctic circle?

Because there's Norway beyond Scandinavia!

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

I hate those traffic circle thingies when I'm not needing to turn.

It seems straight forward, but it's a really roundabout way of doing things.

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

How to stop a baby from crawling around in circles

Nail its other hand to the floor

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My friend does a circle jerk with his friends every year. He hosted their first one 5 years ago, and the one this year is returning back to his place.

He’s really cum full circle

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Why Kim Jong-un has dark circles under eyes?

Because the enemy never sleeps!

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

It's only a matter of time before the Pi-variant of the Coronavirus is discovered now.

We'll have come full circle then.

the tin can and the chalk stick

An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are each sent in a room with nothing in it but a tin can and a chalk stick with the task to open the tin can in one hour.

The rooms are checked after one hour:

The engineer's room is covered in impact notches, with the successful one circled...

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

Did you guys hear the one about the circle?

Yeah. That one really gets a-round.

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

I used to sell rugs, but I had to stop selling the semi-circle ones.

I was tired of being called a D rug dealer.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Never invite a circle to a party

They tend to make one-sided conversations.

I made a joke about disabled people in my friend circle once.

My blind friend just sighed and told me it wasn't funny.

I guess she couldn't see the humor in it.

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe is driving to town in his pickup truck and he gets pulled over by a state trooper.

The state trooper walks up to the door and says “Sir you have a brake light out and I am going to write you a ticket, license registration and insurance please”. While the Trooper is writing out fa...

Harley Driver

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you". The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it" he asks?

"It's a...

I hate it when people draw a circle or an oval...

I mean seriously, it’s pointless.

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A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

Its finally my cake day, thank god it isn't a circle.

Else it would be a pi.


Note: I hate to think if this hastily because I am late for my cake day. xd

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

A circle is talking to a square.

The circle says: “I only have one side.”

The square then responds with: “What’s your point?”

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

Thots are like circles.

Curvy, but pointless.

What did the Polygon say to the Circle when the Circle wanted to be more edgy?

Triangles.

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3 people are walking in the woods when they see a strange bird fly overhead. One of them looks up and says, “look, it’s a Foo bird.” The bird circles and then shits on the first person’s head...

He wipes the shit off and immediately dies. The other 2 take off running. The Foo bird circles again and shits on the second person’s head. She frantically tries to brush it off, while running away and immediately dies. The bird circles yet again and then shits on the third person’s head. They ...

Why does America keep going in circles

Because they're all about their rights

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

My circle of friends is finally expanding

I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son’s game:

“Sir, come for Ence.”

The other day, I told my friend that part of Canada is in the arctic circle

“Really?” He said. “There’s no way!”

He was having Nunavut.

Did you hear the joke about the circle?

Nevermind. The punchline wasn't straightforward anyways.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

Why did the man put his pennies in a circle?

To make ends meet.

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