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Ashtray Jokes

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Ashtrays should be called Asstrays...

because its where you put your butts.

(I have been calling them asstrays all 28 years of my life. I only JUST today realized it.)

No ashtrays in the hotel room

Looks like smokings out the window

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

I’ll remember that the next time I get lonely.

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

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A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."

The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waves him over agai...

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

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A little jewish girl was playing with an ashtray...

Hitler comes in and says: "Are you looking for someone?"

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

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Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe?

Don’t go ashtray

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I was asked to pose nude for an art class. They said I had the perfect body.

Okay, it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but ...still

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a ...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

Studies have shown that cigarettes can harm children...

...may need to start using an ashtray.

My doctor said that cigarettes are bad for kids

I guess next time I should just use an ashtray.

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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said:...

My Grandpa told me this one

A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.

"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, t...

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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So, I was smoking on a balcony

There was no ashtray, so I threw the butt from the window. And down there was some kid, passing by. He raised his head, and yelled to me: Mister, you cannot throw the cigarettes from the balcony. That is not right! Put them to the ashtray!” And you know, I felt so bad and ashamed. So I dressed and w...

I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

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Drunk chick walks into a bar...

and she calls over the bartender, and says, "Beertender! Gimme a martooni!"

The bartender patiently gives her a martini, which she disposes of quickly, then yells at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni!"

He rolls his eyes and serves her another. But not ten minutes later...

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"

"My husband's ashes", the client replied.

"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."

"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

A guy is travelling in the USSR...

So... a guy is travelling in the USSR.
He arrives late at his hotel to find he is sharing the room with two others.
They say "great!" and open the vodka.
After a few drinks he wants to sleep but they won't let him: they are drunk and telling anti-soviet jokes.

So he has an idea!
<...

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A drunk woman stumbles into a bar...

She sits down, and says to the bartender, "Beertender! Gimme a drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

The bartender, quite fluent in drunkese, pours her a double martini, drops in an olive, and slides it over to woman. She lights up a cigarette, slams the martini, and takes another drag ...

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A young woman walks up to the bartender, sits down and says:

"Batman, give me a tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart"

The bartender gives the woman her request. Few minutes pass by, the woman goes to the bartender again:

"Batman, give me another tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart."

The bartender, agai...

KGB Joke, from old country

This was definitely a response to that thread about the passport staples

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Four men are staying in a hotel room. Three have opened a bottle of vodka and are getting pretty rowdy, while the fourth is trying to get some sleep. He leaves the room and asks the concierge for some t...

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My jewish friend wont talk to me anymore.

So my friend was looking to rent a van to help his family members get around during his family reunion and he invited me along.

we came across this big white van with a few rows of seats in the back and he said "how many of my family members do uou think I can fit in here?"

I look arou...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She...

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Little Johnny rushes home from school.

He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to ...

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So, this 85 year old prostitute walks into a bar...

and says "Narnender, Narnender, give me a Nartini with a nerry on top". To which the bartender obliges.

About 10 mins later she burst out even louder, "Narnender, Narnender, give me another Nartini with a nerry on top"! He just gives her a look and does so without a word.

This time abo...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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