No ashtrays in the hotel room

Looks like smokings out the window

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Michael Barrymore doesn't own any ashtrays

He puts all his fags out in the pool

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

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Ashtrays should be called Asstrays...

because its where you put your butts.

(I have been calling them asstrays all 28 years of my life. I only JUST today realized it.)

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

A little jewish girl was playing with an ashtray...

Hitler comes in and says: "Are you looking for someone?"

KGB Joke, from old country

This was definitely a response to that thread about the passport staples

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Four men are staying in a hotel room. Three have opened a bottle of vodka and are getting pretty rowdy, while the fourth is trying to get some sleep. He leaves the room and asks the concierge for some t...

A guy is travelling in the USSR...

So... a guy is travelling in the USSR.
He arrives late at his hotel to find he is sharing the room with two others.
They say "great!" and open the vodka.
After a few drinks he wants to sleep but they won't let him: they are drunk and telling anti-soviet jokes.

So he has an idea!
<...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

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50 of the most offensive jokes I know

1_Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

3_What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to pun...

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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said:...

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So, I was smoking on a balcony

There was no ashtray, so I threw the butt from the window. And down there was some kid, passing by. He raised his head, and yelled to me: Mister, you cannot throw the cigarettes from the balcony. That is not right! Put them to the ashtray!” And you know, I felt so bad and ashamed. So I dressed and w...

How many superhero’s can you fit in a sedan?

2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 10 in the ashtray.

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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She...

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up...

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Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eigh...

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A drunk woman stumbles into a bar...

She sits down, and says to the bartender, "Beertender! Gimme a drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

The bartender, quite fluent in drunkese, pours her a double martini, drops in an olive, and slides it over to woman. She lights up a cigarette, slams the martini, and takes another drag ...

I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

69 is known as smoker's position......

Girl smoke the cigar and guy cleans the ashtray.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray.

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A young woman walks up to the bartender, sits down and says:

"Batman, give me a tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart"

The bartender gives the woman her request. Few minutes pass by, the woman goes to the bartender again:

"Batman, give me another tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart."

The bartender, agai...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

My Grandpa told me this one

A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.

"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, t...

An insurance agent who was talking to a prospective client

..at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on thesideboard and asked,"Do you keep anything in it?"

Yes, my husband's ashes,"came
the reply.

“I am sorry,” apologized the agent, “I did not know he was deceased.”

"He isn't-he is just too lazy to
hunt for an ashtray."

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Drunk chick walks into a bar...

and she calls over the bartender, and says, "Beertender! Gimme a martooni!"

The bartender patiently gives her a martini, which she disposes of quickly, then yells at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni!"

He rolls his eyes and serves her another. But not ten minutes later...

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Little Johnny rushes home from school.

He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to ...

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My jewish friend wont talk to me anymore.

So my friend was looking to rent a van to help his family members get around during his family reunion and he invited me along.

we came across this big white van with a few rows of seats in the back and he said "how many of my family members do uou think I can fit in here?"

I look arou...