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Machete Jokes

Machetes are extremely tech savvy

They can hack anything.

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

What do you call a phobia of machetes?

Common sense

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

There was a Machete accident on the set of Spy Kids 5

now starring Tranny Trejo

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

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Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we loa...

COVID Joke

Ten years from now you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was.” Then you pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders.

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The guy that messed with a drug lord

(sorry if anything sounds weird, original is from Brazil)

This guy is chilling at home, when a big party starts at the neighboring mansion. It is a sweet sixteen party, with lots of guests and very loud music. At 1AM the guy is fed up and calls the cops to end with the nuisance. What he didn'...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

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So little Johnny is sitting in class one day.

The teacher asks,
“I want everyone here to go home and come up with a story that has a moral.”
So the next day the teacher calls on lil Susie. The teacher says,
“What is your story Susie?”
She replies,
“You have 12 eggs and only 4 of them become chicks.”
The teacher asks,
“Ok, ...

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Today's lession will be about the moral of a story...

If any student can tell me a story and then correctly tell me the moral of that story we will have recess the rest of the day. Little Beverly raises her hand...

My daddy works at a chicken farm. Each Sunday we gather all the eggs, put them in a basket, and take them to market. Last Sunday...

Getting the girl isn't as easy as they make it look in the movies.

They don't trip as often, and when you do catch up they get the machete away from you. :\

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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

How do you end beef with someone?

With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "...

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3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community

Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers. She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals.
The next day she asks ...

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Uncle John in Vietnam

A grade school teacher assigned everyone in the class to come back after the weekend with a story to tell the class that had a moral teaching in it. When the class came back on Monday the teacher had them come up and tell their stories.

"Alright Suzie, come up and tell us your story."
Suz...

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

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