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Two guys in a helicopter are crossing a mountain range when the rotor breaks and the chopper is going to crash.

As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a bright red lipstick. He puts lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of the dashboard and shoves it up his ass. Passenger looks at the pilot in horror and shouts "what the hell are you doing, we...

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, " Okay, here's an axe-let' s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree a...

Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all ex...

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

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The search for the mystery penis chopper goes on

Detective jones has had a tip off, but will be back at work on Monday.

Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger cross the road?

To get to the chopper.

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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A soldier, a ninja, and a cowboy

Are flying over a city in a helicopter getting ready to land after a long battle, all three are sitting in silence until the ninja pulls out a throwing star and tosses it out of the chopper.

The soldier looks at him funny and asks why he did that. The ninja replies, "it is a time honored tra...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

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A teacher gave her class an assignment.....

She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you.

The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says "I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to...

What do Jeffrey Dahmer and a helicopter have in common?

They're choppers.

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicop...

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Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron's morals.

Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment.

"Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral", the teacher said.

The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he...

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3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community

Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers. She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals.
The next day she asks ...

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:

*- Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam!*

The old man says:

*- May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines and the pilot, and some gook shot the pilot. We survived, but the Charlie were waiting there. And then there we w...

Three guys were traveling on a helicopter.

Suddenly, their engine stops and the chopper falls. The first guy hangs from the leg of the chopper. The second guy hangs from the first guys leg. The third guy hangs from the second guys pants.
As they were falling they agree to sing a last song. The first guy asks to sing and the other two agre...

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A moral to every story

A first grade teacher asks the kids in the class to tell a story that has a moral to it.

The first kid says, "Ummm I was walking with my eggs in a basket and I tripped and the basket fell and all my eggs broke."

Teacher, "That's terrible. What's the moral?" Kid (crying), "Don't put al...

What's the best way to get the aristocracy out of France?

A chopper

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