Chopping Jokes - 28 Hilarious Chopping Jokes

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

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a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

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I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

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I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

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They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.

Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

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“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

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A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

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I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

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The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

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I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

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I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

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A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

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What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

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If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

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My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

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I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

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Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

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A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

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I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

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What did the lumberjack say while chopping down a tree in Halloween Town?

Tim Buurrrrrton

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What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood?

That's a huge axe man!

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A lot of people cry when chopping onions, but the trick..

..is to not get emotionally attached.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend guilt-tripped me into spending the Saturday helping out with various tasks on his property, even though I'd prefer to relax after a demanding week.

While chopping wood, I got careless with the axe and dented his car.

My friend suspected that since I was clearly annoyed with him, I'd dented the car on purpose.

But in my opinion, it should be obvious to everyone that it was an axy-dent.

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