I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry

Onions was a good dog...

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

What does a pianist say when they're chopping food?

>!I be Chopin!<

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Joe was chopping wood with his Dad

Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!

Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.

A lot of people cry when chopping onions, but the trick..

..is to not get emotionally attached.

What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood?

That's a huge axe man!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

Food that makes you cry.

My friend gave me grief for tears leaking from my face when I was chopping some strong onions. He called me a weakling, and said there was no food that made him cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

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