I spent the last year learning mandarin

Now I peel real fast

What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

What’s the difference between Mandarin and Chinese?

Only one of them tastes like a citrus.

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Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

NSFW. I could eat a mandarin .....

But I would prefer too eat Amanda out.

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

I dislike how Mandarin is romanized

But that's just my o-pinyin

Some people dislike the way that Zhou Youguang romanized Mandarin Chinese

But those are just O-Pinyins

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

An ant falls out of an airplane, how did it die?

Starved to death on the way down.

(Translated from Mandarin, every Chinese kid knows this joke, not sure if it works in English).

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

Why do Chinese pirates never get scurvy?

Because they all speak Mandarin

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

Titles are hard

*context* I work in a fruit and veg shop. I told this joke to all of the people doing fruit. I think I need a new job

What's the opposite of a mandarin?

A mandarout

What did one orange say to the other orange?

Do you speak Mandarin?

My friend proposed to his girlfriend

She is Chinese. So he learned to ask her in Mandarin. When she answered, he stared at her blankly.

He forgot to learn the words "yes" & "no".

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

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My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

An orange walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender looks at the orange and says " sorry I don't speak mandarin"

Why doesn't orange rhyme with anything?

Because it's a Mandarin word

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