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Mandarin Jokes

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

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Why am I always horny in my Chinese (Mandarin) class?

Because I have to count the strokes..

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Another parrot joke

Man wants to buy an exotic pet, so he goes into a pet shop and asks for the most unique animal they have. The shop owner takes him to see a seemingly ordinary parrot.

He's skeptical "what's so special about this parrot?"

The shop owner says "he can't fly, but if you pull his right leg,...
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What’s the difference between Mandarin and Chinese?

Only one of them tastes like a citrus.

NSFW. I could eat a mandarin .....

But I would prefer too eat Amanda out.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

I bought a bunch of oranges and spelled "hi" with them.

I was then told that was *not* how you say "HI" in Mandarin....

What did one orange say to the other orange?

Do you speak Mandarin?

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

An ant falls out of an airplane, how did it die?

Starved to death on the way down.

(Translated from Mandarin, every Chinese kid knows this joke, not sure if it works in English).

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My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

Why do Chinese pirates never get scurvy?

Because they all speak Mandarin

My friend proposed to his girlfriend

She is Chinese. So he learned to ask her in Mandarin. When she answered, he stared at her blankly.

He forgot to learn the words "yes" & "no".

Titles are hard

*context* I work in a fruit and veg shop. I told this joke to all of the people doing fruit. I think I need a new job

What's the opposite of a mandarin?

A mandarout

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

An orange walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender looks at the orange and says " sorry I don't speak mandarin"

Why doesn't orange rhyme with anything?

Because it's a Mandarin word

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