UPJOKE
tangerinechinesecitrusclementinesatsumacitrus fruitmalayberrykumquatpearapricotpeachmangoaccentkiwi fruit

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why am I always horny in my Chinese (Mandarin) class?

Because I have to count the strokes..

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

What’s the difference between Mandarin and Chinese?

Only one of them tastes like a citrus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another parrot joke

Man wants to buy an exotic pet, so he goes into a pet shop and asks for the most unique animal they have. The shop owner takes him to see a seemingly ordinary parrot.

He's skeptical "what's so special about this parrot?"

The shop owner says "he can't fly, but if you pull his right leg,...

NSFW. I could eat a mandarin .....

But I would prefer too eat Amanda out.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

I dislike how Mandarin is romanized

But that's just my o-pinyin

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

An ant falls out of an airplane, how did it die?

Starved to death on the way down.

(Translated from Mandarin, every Chinese kid knows this joke, not sure if it works in English).

I met a Chinese woman who had just arrived in the U.S...

I’d been learning a little Mandarin and was trying to have some basic conversation with her. She asked why I know Mandarin. I joked: “For when China takes over.”. She got very mad and said “China doesn’t want to take over anything, they just want to live in peace!”. I asked, “What about Hong Ko...

Why do Chinese pirates never get scurvy?

Because they all speak Mandarin

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

What did one orange say to the other orange?

Do you speak Mandarin?

My friend proposed to his girlfriend

She is Chinese. So he learned to ask her in Mandarin. When she answered, he stared at her blankly.

He forgot to learn the words "yes" & "no".

Titles are hard

*context* I work in a fruit and veg shop. I told this joke to all of the people doing fruit. I think I need a new job

What's the opposite of a mandarin?

A mandarout

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

An orange walks into a bar and asks for a drink...

The bartender looks at the orange and says " sorry I don't speak mandarin"

Why doesn't orange rhyme with anything?

Because it's a Mandarin word

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