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Checked Jokes

Mr. X checked into a hotel along with his wife

At 11:30 in the night, he called the reception.

He said "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window from the 5th floor."

The Receptionist replied "Sir this is a personal matter we cannot do anything"

Mr. X ROARED "YOU IDIOT!! You think I will ask you to come and handle my ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

I needed a new Doctor so I checked Google.

All those Google Docs prescribed me was a bunch of new documents.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

Cute joke a neighbor kid told me: Why did the guy have to have his toe checked out?

Because it had a nail in it.

Got checked out by cute girl

The total was $3.92

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

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A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

A photon is heading to catch a plane, and the agent asks if it has any checked baggage.

"No I dont," it says. "I'm traveling light."

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I checked into a motel and told the clerk that I wanted the porn in my room disabled.

He said, "We don't have disabled porn. Only the regular type, you sick fuck!"

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

A man goes to the doctir to have a bump checked

The doctor takes a quick look and goes "Yep, that's definitely a sting from the new poisonous bees. 8 out of 9 cases are fatal, but you're very lucky, because in your case it's bee nine."

I checked into a hotel and was told I was in room 404.

I couldn't find it.

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A 90 year old man is getting checked by his doctor

after the checkup the doctor sais "I heard that you have a new girlfriend, and at your age"

The old man answers "yes, she's only 19 years old, and a beast in the sheets. We have Sex thrice a day and it's always great!"

The Doctor, surprised, comments "You know, Sex is hard work for the...

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

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I should have checked....

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!.

My doctor checked my prostate last week

It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”
Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”
Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”

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A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night

He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellb...

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my revue,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew...

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

I’ve just checked my BMI, and it turns out

I have to grow at least 4 inches

I just checked my privilege.

Looks fine to me.

A doctor says to a man getting his eyes checked...

Doctor: The results are not good
Man: Can I see them
Doctor: Probably not

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call.

She said, “you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.”

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

I had dinner with Garry Kasparov at a restaurant with a checked tablecloth...

I asked him to pass the salt, & it took 3 1/2 hours

Got my eyes checked out today.

Still concerned about when I have to turn them back in.

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

I checked my BMI chart the other day.

It would appear that I'm too short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers?

Because he's a cunt

So this beautiful girl checked me out today.

The total was a little under $10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only dick pic I have ever sent was to my doctor to get something checked.

But then someone told me that dentists aren't doctors.

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

My IQ dropped from 70 to 42. I was worried. Then I checked again, it was 110. I was shocked, I checked again to find it was 150. I rushed to the doctor.

She told me it's my pulse and not my IQ.

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

My wife took the car in to have its alignment checked.

Turns out it's Lawful Evil.

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

The wife checked her husband's phone and found the following names.....

- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number to which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!

She cried until her eyes ...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

Getting your prostate checked [NSFW]

So my friend had to get his prostate checked. We all know about the finger up there... Well before he left his dad told him, "If the doctor has one hand on your shoulder, that's fine, but if you see two up there something's wrong!"

I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

Have you checked on your shelves recently?

You know, just to see how they're holding up?

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked for cavities

The Dentist: "Woah, that's a HUGE cavity - a HUGE cavity!"

The Man: "Enough, Doc, I heard you the first time!"

The Dentist: "Sorry, that was an echo."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor checked my balls today...

He didn't taste any cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My driving instructor asked me if I checked my mirror.

I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Because you look fucking hideous."

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

I'm getting my Darth Vader shaped mole checked out.

I'm concerned because it's on the dark side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Why haven't aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our reviews.

One star.

I know a guy who religiously gets his teeth checked once per week

. He's a Seventh Day A Dentist

Did you hear Delta is no longer allowing road kill in checked bags?

It’s only carrion

My friend suddenly decided to have her dollhouse's interior roof checked for mold, and I thought...

...that's a little spore attic.

Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.

Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

The girl I like checked me out today.

I gave her money, and she gave me groceries.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

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