A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....

It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.

A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him...

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

Vegans causing a ruckus again

We're on holiday in France, and while it's not that popular here all the hotel staff are trying their very best to be accommodating with our veganism.

We just ordered 2 black americano coffees and the waiter says:

"Would you like some oat milk on the side?"

We replied: "Oh, do y...

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farmhand how many chickens were left.

“16 chickens, sir.”

“Alright, round them up, please.”

“20 chickens, sir.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heavy snow is causing delays at the airport

Many are stuck waiting for the one active runway.

After hours of sitting out in the takeoff que a voice calls out over the radio.

"Im so fucking bored."

After a few more moments of radio silence ground control responds. "Last transmission please identify".

The radio st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my buddy that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash...

"That's a bit harsh," he said.

I replied, "They don't screw around at Air Traffic Control."

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son was causing problems...

He didn't study, was rude to everyone, never listened to anyone. Dad tried various things to get him in line but nothing helped.

One night when dad was meeting with his friends, he asked them for advice. He heard again the things he already tried. Then one of the guys sugested that he should...

What do you call a film about a female deer that's always causing dangerously high wind storms?

TornaDOE

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer.

The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

What do you call two shellfish causing accidents?

Clam-ities

In the far future, after all governments have unified, a rich man will be convicted of a crime, making him hated among the people and causing his assets to be frozen

So he was basically discredited.

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”

The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:

​

'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'

​

Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'

&#x200B...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

One day, a farmer heard a loud crash from the road outside his home.

He ran out to investigate, and is surprised to see a young boy looking dazed next to a cart carrying a load of fruits. A wheel had fallen off, causing it to crash. The farmer ran out to help the boy. "Boy," He asked. "Are you alright?" The boy nodded, and the farmer sighed in relief. "That's good. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around my house.

Whenever he barks I shit myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?

Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.

​

He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Wi...

My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he’s been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.

“Javier Bardem?” I asked

“I’ve tried," he replied, “but he just keeps comin’ back.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is laying bricks on the 20th floor of a construction site

When he accidentally knocked a brick, causing it to fall off the edge!
He quickly yelled out "Falling Brick!"

Looking down, he notices that a rather well-dressed businessman has stepped out of the way of the brick and is making his way up to him. "You saved my life mate, here's $100" sai...

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

Thorbeaux and Dreaux

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."

"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"

The doctor tells him that he m...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

A redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.

“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”

The bear and rabbit instantly agree.

The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.

“I w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The solution to sin (Long-ish)

One day Saint Gabriel goes to God and says "Lord, there is so much sin in the world. Adultery, murder, lust, it's getting out of hand. We need to find a solution." The Lord agrees with Gabriel, and tasks him with devising a solution.

​

Gabriel convenes with the Angels, and t...

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

A pastor was complaining to another pastor about people in his service falling asleep

So the other pastor invited him to his own church. The Pastor began to notice some of his congregation nodding off and gave a nod to the visiting pastor.

"Ahem, I'd like to make an announcement, er a confession really" Everyone began paying attention, nudging each other, straightening up and...

A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we ...

I went to buy some coffee today

I went to buy some coffee today and when I got to the coffee aisle at the store there was a sign stating that all the Folgers coffee had been recalled. The sign said the following:

“Out of concern for our customers we have vouantailly issued a recall on all Folgers coffee. During the packa...

My wife bought a slash resistant purse.

I didn't realize the guitarist from Guns & Roses was causing that much trouble, but I'm glad science is solving the issue.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Voodoo Dildo

A man is about to go abroad on a business trip, but he is worried about his wife cheating on her because she is has strong sexual cravings and has been known to be promiscuous in the past.

The man decides to go to an adult store to find her a sex toy to satiate her desires, and finds himself ...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"

They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane is on its way to Detroit

when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm bl...

A bartender refused to serve a drunk man at a bar last night

He told him to be on his way because of all the trouble he was causing.
"Fine," the man said, "I'll go now."
As he tried to leave the bar, he kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this kept happening until he later spoke with his girlfriend.
The man tells her, "I was so drunk that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With Heaven getting full of good people, God decided to limit who got in by only allowing people who died horrible deaths.

So three men show up to the pearly gates and God asks the first man how he died.

The first man begins, "I was recently suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So one day I decided to come home early during my lunch break to check if my suspicions were real. I get to my apartment building and o...

The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting p...

Jack has a excruciating headache

So he goes to see the doctor. The doctor runs all the tests and everything comes back fine. The doctor said he is probably stressed and thats causing his headache.

Jack decides to cheer himself up with some nice clothes. Upon entering the store he is greeted by the tailor.

The tailor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

Newborn baby

A man and a woman got a baby. After a year the baby starts to say some words. One evening she yelled, grandpa! After 2 days the baby's grandpa dies. The funeral happens and the parents are sad and confused. He was a healthy man and had no illness. After a week the baby yells, grandma! After 2 days t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys car breaks down in front of a Monestarey

This is hands down my favorite joke of all time but it's long so hold on to something.


A guys car breaks down, but fortunately it breaks down right in front of a Monestarey. He trudges through the snow to knock on the door and one of the monks answers.
Monk: "Hello my child, how may ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four men all die simultaneously and appear before the Devil in the Garden of Eden

The Devil says to the men: "within this garden you will find every fruit that has ever existed in vast quantities, please choose one type and collect 10 of them, then return to me and I will explain the game we are about to play."

The men nod and go off to find their respective fruits, and sh...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a huge lasting headache, "I can't live with it anymore doc, please find out what's wrong".

So the doctor ran some tests, and after carefully studying the results, he presented the bad news to the patient. "It seems you have a very rare nervous disease near your testicles causing your headache. You have two options; either we cut off your testes or I can put you on very heavy pain medicati...

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

Whole Arm

So I’m fingering this fat girl and she's so sloppy, I start using two fingers. She says she barely feels it and says to stick my whole hand in. I told her no, that I didnt want to hurt her, but she insisted so I did. She moaned and demanded more! Amazed, l slid my whole arm up inside her and she moa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was stuttering his whole life

He went to all the specialist that existed since he was a child. They tried everything possible but nobody could help him.

He started a new job and his coworker told him about this genius doctor that has not met a condition he couldn't fix. Desperate John decides to give this doctor a final ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Y...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard

The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself

"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fly and the river

It's a hot summer day, hottest it's been all year, and the sun is just beating down on this poor fly who has been traveling all day until he finally hovers over a river.

"Oh boy" Says the fly "If I drop just six inches I'll be able to feel the cooling mist of the river and take a break!"
...

A mule has the fits

A farmer has a mule with the fits, and he doesn't know what to do about it. The mule acts erratically, won't listen or carry anything, and it's causing the farmer a considerable amount of stress.

The farmer asks his friend, another farmer, for advice about the mule. "I've got a mule with the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."

After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.

The man was...

Who is he?

After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.

At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about...

So I was dating this one blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan

So I was dating this blonde girl and decided that I was going to tan before we went to dinner that night. So I got out on my roof,fully nude, and laid out. While laying on my back, I accidentally fell asleep on the roof, causing me to get a BAD sunburn everywhere including my pecker. However, I didn...

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said...

A man was extremely lonely

He decides to get a pet to keep him company. When he arrives at the pet store he asks one of the employees about a pet to be his friend. The employee recommends that he gets an extremely talkative parrot. The moment the man sees the parrot it starts talking, saying "Are you going to buy me? I can't ...

A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train...

Weight issues

Kid wakes up in the middle of the night to hear creaking from his parents bedroom. He slowly walks down the hallway to see what’s causing it. Peeks through the crack of the door of his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of daddy. Satisfied in knowing where the noise is coming ...

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A man is suffering with very bad headaches

So he eventually goes to see the Doctor who offers him a solution. ‘The good news is that I can cure your headaches,’ says the Dr. ‘The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press against the base of your spine. It’s this pressure ...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enj...

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

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Did you hear about the parents that auctioned off the right to name their firstborn child?

They were expecting after trying to get pregnant for a long time. But when they tried to discuss what they should name the child, it was causing all kinds of arguments. They just couldn’t come to an agreement and there was a lot of tension between them. It got to the point where the wife was staying...

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was playing in the sandbox with his crush, Sally. As they are playing, Johnny let's out a little fart causing the smallest little puff of sand. Embarrassed, Johnny starts to apologize. Before he has the chance, Sally interupts him proclaiming "that was amazing, how did you do t...

More NFL news

NFL CUTS ONE TEAM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.

They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

The...

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Solving a problem

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or se...

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A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.

The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed."

The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, d...

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The bartenders apples

Guy walks into a pub, he walks over to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender saunters over and asks him what he'd like. The man orders a rum and coke, and off the bartender goes. He comes back and places an apple on the bar. Confused, the man says "what's this?". "Just take a bite" the bartender s...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

In the year 2030,

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to d...

Not Murder

A man grew weary of dealing with the world so he created a clone of himself. But something went terribly wrong. The clone was crass, rude and extremely vulgar. He sent the clone of himself into the world anyway to do his work.

The clone return back to him in a few hours and the man was surpri...

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A Jew and a Czech go hunting.

They reach a clearing in the woods and spot a deer. The Czech aims his rifle to shoot, when a bear attacks them from behind and eats the Czech. The Jew, scared shitless, runs back to town and tells everyone what happened. After some discussion, the worried townsfolk form a hunting party to deal with...

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A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and immediately the monkey is running all around the bar, causing havoc. Before long, the monkey jumps over to the bar, grabs a bowl of pretzels, and gobbles them down without hesitation. Next, the monkey devours an ...

Daughter's boyfriend

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains ...

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The Seven Dwarfs Go To Church

Father O'Malley was conducting mass at St. Paul's in New York one Sunday, and was quite perturbed at a repeated disturbance from the back row.

The seven dwarfs were in the church, sitting in a rear pew, and they were arguing and giggling amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.
...

Mother of Triplets

A pregnant lady was doing her errands around town when she stopped in bank to pay her bills. Everything was going great until there was a gunshot and two robbers burst through the door and demanded everyone on the ground and they will shoot anyone that makes a move. The future mother obliged but wh...

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

What are some funny physics jokes?

A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem. The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, "I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it." The chemist took fluid s...

Three kids are in a park with their father

The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"

Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."

Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"

Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your ...

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In a kingdom far far away

The king had a beautiful wife. The beauty of the queen was world renown and was a thing of extreme pride for the king. But, one thing that gave the king extreme head ache was that he doubted his queen. He was paranoid that she was sleeping with someone else in the palace, may be one of his ministers...

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My girlfriends hot sister

A man who was very close to proposing to his girlfriend was on his way from work when he received a phone call from his girlfriend.
“Hey honey can you please meet at my sisters place for dinner tonight”?

The man agreed and drove over to his girlfriends sisters house. Now this wasn’t out o...

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...