Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

This police dog comes up to me and starts sniffing and wagging his tail, and I say "hi there, boy, can you smell my dog then?"

And the handler says "No, sir, this is a sniffer dog -- he only alerts for narcotics", and I say "heh, yeah, my poor pooch has such a habit..."

Why do dogs wag their tails?

'Cause nobody else will do it for them.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

Nothing says, "I don't take you seriously"...

...like your dog wagging it's tail while you scold it.

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

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Buster the farting dog...

A guy was at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, meeting them for the first time. He was understandably nervous, especially because he was trying desperately to hold in his gas.

At one point, shifting in his seat, he accidentally let one slip and it reverberated quite loudly on the leather chai...

A few jokes...

1. Why do dogs wag their tails? Because no one else will do it for them.
2. A zombie got a new girlfriend. He introduces her to his friend, who says: "Wow, she's a hottie. Where did you dig her up?"
3. Image living in an ice globe city. The weather reports would be interesting: "Chance of an ...

An old tired dog

An old tired dog

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its...

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NSFW Religion is like a dick...

there's no problem until you start wagging it in people's faces

A man saw a dog named frost.

It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.

"I didn't know frost bites."

How do you know if a dog is male or female?

Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Poker-playing dog

So there's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The guy is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well behav...

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

A young man drives to his friend with a new Porsche

The friend is surprised and wants to know how he got the cool car.

He replies: "So I was taken by a woman as a hitchhiker. Suddenly she stops at a rest area, pulls her panties down, wags it in front of my nose and tells me that I can now have everything I want from her. Said , done. And here ...

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

A Ukranian boy and his father went out for a walk.

"Dad?" The boy asks. "Is it true that there was an accident at Chernobyl in 1986?" "Yes, there was," the father replies, patting his head. "And is it true that there were no consequences?" The little boy asks. "Absolutely," the father replies, patting his son's second head. And they strolled off to...

How do you know a person from Chernobyl is happy?

They wag their tail.

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

A guy and his dog walk into a bar.

The guy asks the bartender: „My dog can speak. Can I get a free beer if he speaks with you?“



“Sure“, the bartender said, not believing the guy.

„Okay, dog“, says the guy.“ What’s on top of a house?“

“Roof!“, the dog answers.



“That’s not speaking, that’s ju...

A dog is sitting beside a railroad track.

He's wagging his tail as a train starts rushing past and the train cuts off the tip of his tail. Mad and in pain, he turns to snap at the train and the train cuts his head off.

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

Al bragged about his home aquarium to a friend.

“I keep it super clean,” he said. “And my fish are always so darn happy.”



“How the heck can you tell your fish are happy?” his friend asked.



“Because,” Al replied, “they are always wagging their tails.”

A mother walrus is lecturing her child

wagging her flipper, she lectures "you shouldn't be selfish, after all it's walrUS, not walri.". The child walrus, thinking walrus was a Latin word, is naturally confused.

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

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Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting th...

A man took his dog to the movie with him...

...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really se...

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke)

A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the...

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "The...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really sma...

In a small country pub,

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to rem...

The intelligent dog

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
“Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary....

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to t...

Dogs playing poker

Why are dogs bad at poker?

Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand.

Why did John's dog win the poker tournament?

Because he's a Doberman.

Smartest Dog He's ever seen!

While walking down the street, a business man see's a dog walking down the road with a bag in his mouth. Interested in where the dog was going he followed the dog to the local store. There the dog went straight to the teller, and placed the bag in the teller's hand. He then handed him a grocery b...

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