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Cardiac Jokes

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist?

Because they'll tell you it's nothing but a heartache

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

What did the pirate say during cardiac arrest?

"Arrrrrhh me hearty!"

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier...

She asked for me to call her an ambulance.

I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest?

There were many causes close to his heart

I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great.

Half of my heart is in Havana

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.

What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a change of heart.”

Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...

Let them do it for you. It's their job.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Did you hear about the girl who stole my heart?

The police placed her under cardiac arrest!

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy?

We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.

What happens when somebody steals your heart?

They get cardiac arrested

the cardiologist

if a cardiologist robs a bank, and the police catch him, you are technically allowed to call it cardiac arrest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who died watching porn?

Cardiac Arrest Mid-Stroke

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A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.

He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fr...

"The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach"

... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.

Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" 

...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her ...

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house?

He had a cardiac arrest

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

There's a new Christian drug on the market called "SkyCake," a.k.a. "The Lord's Name"...

...which causes Angelic hallucinations during the high. Like cocaine, SkyCake \ The Lord's Name must primarily be snorted. However, SkyCake is so potent, that if injected directly into the user's veins, intravenously, it may cause immediate cardiac arrest.

Thus, there's a new saying on the ...

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"OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST KID I'VE EVER MET!"

Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students.

One day, Ryan's mum went to her son's school and had a talk with Ryan's teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid.

The mother, shocked, decided to move t...

A man with heart problems wins 100 million dollars

A group of his friends are the only people who know about this and they debate how they should tell him, considering that due to his condition such a sudden news might cause his heart to stop because of joy.
So they decide that the most calm person in the group would go tell him.

The frien...

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A man's wife is in the hospital.

The doctor come into the room and says "Sir your wife is very ill and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for her at this time." The man looks very distraught so the doctor adds in a quieter voice "look there is some anecdotal evidence that oral sex can be beneficial to people with your wife's con...

The story of Tyrone

When he was in school none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness. However, no one disliked him as much as his teacher who was always telling him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day Tyrone's mother came to the school to check on her son, and his teacher t...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

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