UPJOKE
breakfall apartwearwear outflopburstbrokerupturesnapruincollapsesculptureseparateshatterbreak down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend Jack got busted performing sexual favors in his sports club’s locker room…

Now Jack’s off the team.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

I busted a nut at the local post office

I guess you could say something came in the mail today

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, “Drinks are on me tonight, boys.”

His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, “Are ye OK?”

Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Aye, Mikey, I’m just fine. Last night, while I was here with you l...

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a leg...

[NSFW] A man busted his nut while flying...

You can call that a highjacking

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

Speeding

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I got busted for speeding tonight. The cop pulled me over and asked me if I knew what speed I was doing," the guy says to the bartender." I said, "yes, that stuff I bought from Bob."

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

Two guys are busted stealing a calender

The both got 6 months

I just busted my kid with some weed and I'm mad as hell...

I've been driving clear across town to get mine and I could have been getting it here the whole time.

The police busted a drug ring operating out of a circumcision clonic

The police got a tip off

A man is busted for pot

So one day, a man is pulled over in what seems like a routine stop. When the officer gets to the car, he smells marijuana and the following exchange happens.
Officer: "do you have any pot on you?"
Man : "yes officer, but it's not my fault. I can't get rid of it."
Officer : "what do you mea...

Busted!

A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and...

Did you hear about the Barcelona football star who got busted for tax evasion?

They said his tax returns were Messi.

Did you hear about the gambler who got busted for buying a large amount of weed?

They say he was a high roller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

The secret cocaine ring in my school still hasnt been busted by the police

It's slipping right under everyone's noses!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

Christmas traditions

The week of Christmas is always a hectic one at the North Pole. This one from long ago was especially so.

The elves had learned a new word “Unionize” and kept making threats.

Blitzen was colicky, Dasher had the worst case of gas he’d experienced in years and Vixen was pregnant; again!<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.