UPJOKE
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Burnt Jokes

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly...

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain...

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

What do you call heavily burnt pasta?

Al Dante.

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

My dad's bread factory burnt down

Now his business is toast

Difference between pregnant woman and burnt bread?

None. In both cases it was pulled out too late.

Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

My friend burnt our steaks earlier

I told him that they weren't even well done, they were congratulations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day."

"How badly?"

"Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."

My Buddies bakery burnt down last night....

His business is toast.

Dad I burnt the school down, am I in trouble?

"You arson."

I just burnt 2500 calories

This is the last time I take a nap while baking cookies

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

A local cartoonists studio has burnt down.

Police say that details are sketchy.

What do you call a burnt submarine?

A toasted sub

My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”

I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”

My wife: Huh?

Me: It’s Black Fry Day.

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread

I’m black toast intolerant

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

What is the difference between a burnt cake and a pregnant woman?

If you had taken it out earlier, it wouldn’t have happened.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I burnt my thighs...

So the doctor told me to take Viagra.

I asked,"Why?"

He said that it would keep the sheets off my thighs.

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Burnt Toast

A 14-year-old kid comes home from school crying after the first day of school. His mom asks what's wrong, and he says, "Today we took showers in gym class, and I noticed that compared to everyone else, my penis is small and I'm practically hairless! The other kids noticed, too, and they started to...

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?

He touched the beaker before it was cool.

I was using an acetylene torch and accidentally burnt myself.

It’s okay though, I’ll b-ethyne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?

That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itching, but his lab burnt down...

Now he has to start from scratch.

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

I always get burnt during summer time.

I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

The God of the Sun has burnt millions and millions of people...

... But that's ok, because he Apollo-gized.

What's black, burnt and hanging from the ceiling?

A blonde electrician

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

A local Game Stop burnt to the ground. An insurance adjuster came out to inspect the damage

After looking at the rubble, he asked the manager if the building was a new structure. The manager said, "I don't think so, it was built in the 1970s."

The adjuster said, "I that case, the best payout I can give you is $50,000. If it was a new building I could have given you 95,000.

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

What'd Donald Trump say to an immigrant whose house burnt down?

You're fired...

What did the father say to his son when he burnt the house down vacuum cleaning...

DYSON!!!

You hear about the guy who burnt the whole left side of his body?

He's all right now

What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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