Tan Jokes - 80 Hilarious Tan Jokes

Two blonds walk into a tanning salon…

The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” One replies, “No silly, we’re not even Catholic”.

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

What's black and tan, has four legs and an arm?

A Doberman loose on a playground.

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

Jesus died for your sin...

But your cos and tan? That's on you buddy.

Where do people from New York get tanned?

In Manhat-Tan

idk if this is repost....but its a funny pun

Why was sin afraid of tan?

Just cos.

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

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A Man Tans in the Nude and Burns His Penis

His doctor tells him to dip it into a saucer of milk to ease the pain.

His wife comes home, and finds her husband's dick in the saucer of milk.

"Well, Fuck me," she exclaims, "I've always wondered how you reloaded that thing."

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

The new memes about the Trump spray tan picture are pure gold

Or maybe more of a bronze...

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How do black people tan?

Holding their hands up

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics

...I got the bronze

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

My friend wanted to give me a tan

They wrote sin/cos on my hand.

A woman tanning on the beach sees Michael Jackson.

She says “Hey, get out of my son”

I take part in the sun tan competition every single year.

Why do I never get better than bronze!

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

Mathematical joke - Why did Sin go to the beach?

Cos he wanted a Tan

What do you call a sunbaking mathematician?

A real tan gent

What kind of sun tan lotion does Macklemore put on?

...SPF Thrifty.

Why do middle easterners always got that nice tan?

Because it's very sunni there!

As a ginger person, I find tanning to be easy

I just go sit underneath the full moon.

I was planning on getting a tan

But now that Trumps President there is a high chance I'll get deported if I'm too dark

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The guys were on a bike tour. ...

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. ...

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Where does the cow go to get a tan?

Is-tan-bul

Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan.

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What do you call Israelis that overly spray tan?

Orange Jews!

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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

today, i learned that "Donald Trump" is an anagram of "Tan Dump Lord"

...it's like his parents knew all along

2 Cosplayers and 2 Tanners check in at a Resort...

The first tanner walks up to the reception and says,

“I would like a room in the Northeast wing.”

The receptionist acknowledges then gave him the keys.

Then, the first cosplayer walks up to the reception and says,

“I would like a room in the Southeast wing.”

The re...

A man is tanning at a nudist beach...

And a young girl who was playing with the seagulls ran up to him. Pointing to his nether regions she asked what that was and why lots of the people have them. The man not wanting to explain the reproductive system to some little girl said that it is his pet bird, pointing to his genitalia he said th...

My local tanning salon is offering an Easter special

You know, in case you've been in a cave for the last few days.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."

"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.

He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

I went off on a tan gent once

He was wasting all his time at the beach

My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

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As a Scottish man I like getting a tan when I go on holiday.

It's the only time my hand is the same colour as my dick.

Why didn't the triangle go outside to get a tan?

Cos the sine said so!

What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?

A mango lassie

Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..

I came out with a Bronze..

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Two bananas were tanning when a piece of poop floats by..

So there were two bananas tanning on the beach when a piece of poop floats by. The poop yells " hey the waters great, get in". The banana turns to the other banana and says " do you believe that shit".

Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach?

He was too concerned with the tan gent.

My wife left me, Cosmo, after doing some trigonometry.

She saw a tan gent and chose sin over Cos'.

What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?

They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on ...

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A man was getting a tan on a nudist beach when a young girl walks towards him...

Because he found it indecent to be fully nude in front of the little girl, he covered his groin with his hat.
"What's underneath that hat?" the girl asked. "Nothing special, just a little birdy" the man replied.

The girl insisted on seeing the birdy, and the man told her no, so she walk...

What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building?

A fifth degree burn

Geometry is the work of satan.

It makes people sin.

Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

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Old Ladies at the Beach

A man at the nude beach is checking his tan and realizes there's one part of him that isn't tanned. Yep, THAT part. So, he covers it liberally with suntan lotion and proceeds to bury himself in the sand leaving only his mouth, nose, and member exposed.

Two old ladies are walking down the pa...

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

As a guy who loves the beach and the sun

I rate myself a tan/tan!

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

I recently signed an apartment lease...

Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign

Now we're tan.

Tacos are imaginary -- a mathematical proof

tan = sin / cos (definition of tangent)

ta = i / co (cancel n and s)

taco = i (multiply both sides by co)

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

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A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would ...

Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?

That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.

Yo momma so fat...

When she's tanning at the beach, Greenpeace comes with 3 busses to pull her back in the water...

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One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.

Later, two old ladi...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

Is it a sin to make math jokes?

Cos if so, tan I’m sorry.

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

Why do christian mathematicians hate summer?

It's sin cos tan.

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In a recent interview, Melania Trump was asked if she bleaches her asshole

Her response: "No, he gets spray-tanned."

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

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