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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"

His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

A Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a 40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control set at 65; perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from the afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't even have cruise contr...

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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Three men are eating tacos near a building

One of them says:

-"The first to reach the top of the building without farting wins."

So the first one starts to climb the stairs and fails almost immediately.

The second one goes inside the building with his butthole so clenched he couldn't walk in a straight line. Just as he ...

A blind man walks into a bar....

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. At first he does nothing. Then he clenches the leash and starts swinging his dog around. Knocking things over, the dog’s barking.
The bartender asks, “What the hell are you doing?”
The blind man stops swinging his dog and speaks, “Oh you kn...

Longtime Friends - Priest and a Rabbi (LONG)

Every Tuesday for the last 25 years a priest and a rabbi have met at the local diner to have lunch and kvetch about things.


This day, while eating lunch and waxing philosophical, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks him, "We've known each other for over 25 years. All this time I'm cu...

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The local bar was so sure that it's bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thi...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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Mom, dad... I'm gay

My mom looked at my dad.

My dad clenched his fists.

My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT"

....

My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"

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Men can't move their penis without closing their butt...

And that is how you make any man clench their ass.

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

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A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The pries...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

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Three Tourists get stranded on an Island

Not long after, they are captured by a local tribe, and brought before the Chief.

"We do not take kindly to trespassers. You must pass a test, and if you fail, we'll throw you back into the Ocean! Go into the jungle, and bring me back a fruit!"

The three head out. The German assumes th...

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?".

"Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman.

"Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then ...

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(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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I Wrote This On The Toilet

Toss and turn I clench my cheeks,
I'm half awake and half asleep,
My stomach growls and up I sit,
To take my nightly sloppy shit

And as I stumble in the dark,
I concentrate lest I should fart,
For if I do disaster strikes,
I'll shit my pants in this cold night

A...

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An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."

Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.

"Just let me talk to my horse,...

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A man wakes up and finds himself in a dark place.

Suddenly, the lights turn on. Closing his eyes because of the dazzling light, he then hears a voice:

-John, you were dead while sleeping and reincarnated into a duck. Now your job is to lay eggs...

Terrified, John tries to call for help but the only sounds escaping his mouth are "quack...

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Little Johnny

Church is letting out on Sunday, and the preacher is standing outside shaking hands and saying goodbye to his parishoners. Little Johnny is hauling ass on his tricycle on the sidewalk, when the front wheel falls off. He goes end-over-end getting all banged up in the process, jumps up and says "godda...

Two scientists walk into a bar after work...

As they both take their seats at the bar, the first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist shakes his head and says, "I'll have a glass of water too." He then pauses and turns to the first scientist. "Wh... why did you say H2O? I mean, I know that'...

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

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Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?

Three archaeologists are investigating a site deep in the jungles of Africa when they get caught by the jungle's tribesmen.

They are brought to the village where the village elder asks the first one.
"Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?"
Fearing the worst, the first archeologist chooses Ka-bo-chi.<...

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A man is fed up with his lack of a sex life...

So he decides to enter the priesthood, and devote his life to religion. He enters the monastery and speaks to a clergyman, who tells him before he can become a priest he must prove that his mind is empty of impure thoughts.
The man and 9 other applicants are gathered in a room and sat down on a b...

A man comes home really really drunk....

...clenching a bouquet of flowers.

He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:

"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."

To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"

The man looks at t...

A farmer with an aptitude for music decided to host a music history lesson for the animals.

He gathered them all in the barn and declared, "Soon enough, I'll have proven that even animals can find appreciation in such a fine art!"

He played a flowing, melodic bar slowly on the keyboard and looked expectantly toward the animals. "This piece is moderately well known. Can anyone tell m...

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forw...

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A Thief Walks into Church...

A Thief walks into an empty church to steal the offerings left behind by the people. As he walks in he approaches the big statue of jesus in the center of the church. He notices a a few pieces of gold and and a few rings on the statue and begins to take them. Suddenly, he hears the doors of the chur...

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The Harley Davidson (NSFW)

There's this man, let's call him Greg, who has wanted a 1979 Harley Davidson Ironhead 1000 Kickstart his whole life. (It's rare, about 160 made.) After getting engaged to the love of his life, he decides to find one. After some searching, he finds one for only $500. Immediately, he calls the owner ...

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A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...

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There is a mix up in the hospital,

..,nurses forgot to label three newborns. Their fathers, German, Russian and Jewish guys trying to figure out who's child is who's. German dude gets an idea, he comes to the newborns and yell " Heil Hitler" one of the kids throws his right hand up in a salute. German guy grabs the kid and leaves. ...

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The generals' stroll

Two generals are walking through a military base when they notice a pile of dog shit in front of them. They stop, examining it ponderously and begin to debate. The debate stretches on and on until the taller and thinner of the two calls out to a nearby soldier:

"I say, private! Tell us what t...

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Fart Football

One night, an elderly couple is sitting in bed. The husband reading while the wife quietly knits. Breaking the silence, the husband leans gently to one side, and unleashes an egregious fart. His wife crumples her face and writhes in near agony next to him, bemoaning the ubiquitous ass mist that was ...

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A man hits his ball into the woods while golfing..

As he enters the woods he sees a leprechaun so he grabs that fucker by the arm. He tells the leprechaun, "I want my three wishes". The leprechaun agrees but explains to the man he is not a normal leprechaun and that for every wish he is granted his ex-wife will receive twice the wish. He thinks for ...

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"Two men walk into a desert..."

Two men walk into a desert and a very venomous snake clenches it's teeth in one of the men's dick.


Panicked man: *"I'm going to die!"*

Friend: *"No you're not!"*


The friend immediately calls 911 and asks the operator what he should do.


Operator: *"There is on...

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Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...

A couple is about to give birth

The doctor tells the couple to be about an experimental new machine that can help with the pain of labor. The device will allow the mother to transfer some of the pain over to the father of the child.

The labor begins, and the wife begins clenching the husbands hand. She shouts it too much, ...

Children's jokes gone bad #1

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Although stalking is a crime, 7 had an addiction.

7 would sit outside 6's window with a different celery stalk each night, and caress it. Then, when 7's hands were raw, 7 would eat the stalk one slow bite at a time, and smile, 7's teeth filled with fibrous strand...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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