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Fixing Jokes

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

What do cleaning light fixtures and fixing software have in common?

Both involve getting rid of a lot of bugs.

The electrician finished fixing my lights

I told him he really brightened my day.

My friend asked me if I could try my hand at fixing his broken clock

After tinkering with it for a bit, I handed it back to him.

"How will I know if it's fixed?" he asked.

To which I replied, "Time will tell."

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult.

I could never quite get the handle on it.

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things?

The Grim Repair.

I'm great at fixing things

The only reason I was born was to fix my parents marriage.

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

The key to fixing all of the world’s problems is drinking more water

It’s the universal solvent

Fixing ACs is the worst job

You arrive when it’s really hot, and when it’s finally fixed, you need to leave.

A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

I'm really good at telling old jokes, and fixing fences...

I guess I'm just good at reposting

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, while waiting her turn, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that su...

An IT consultant is fixing KFC's website.

While editing the code, he noticed a line that simply said, "KFC RULES" with improper syntax, which caused the site to crash. When he asked who wrote the code, he was told that Harland Sanders, the founder of KFC, was the one responsible.

The IT guy responded, "That's what I call a Colonel Er...

This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee.

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"

Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"

Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

My neighbor was fixing his fence after it was knocked down.

I told him off for reposting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tank crew is hard at work fixing a broken track...

When a beautiful pixie approaches them from behind. "What are you boys doing?" asked the Pixie. "Can't you see we're fucking with the track?!" replied an angered crewman. "Would you boys want to get fucked for real?" Asked the Pixie in a mischievous voice?
The crew drops the track and turns to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

A blonde goes to a mechanic to ask about fixing dents in her car

She asks the mechanic
"How can I fix the dents myself as I have no money to pay for the repairs."
The Mechanic being a funny guy responds
"Just blow into the exhaust pipe as hard as you can and the dents will disappear".
So the blonde goes home and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe....

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

Women, please don't nag your men about fixing the problems around the house. If we promise to fix them, we'll do so.

You don't have to remind us every two months.

"Dad, could you lend me your chair? I'm fixing the table."

"Sorry, son. I'm not feeling particularly chairitable today."

Did you see the joke on Reddit about fixing the telephone pole?

It was a repost

A doctor was fixing his grammar on medical bills when he noticed something random.

a posture fee.

After the hurricane, fixing the fence around our family farm reminded me a lot of r/jokes

A lot of reposting

If you are fixing things around the house, don't use Gorilla Goo

The gorilla likes it, but the adhesive properties are nil.

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