In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

Dad, what are brakes?

I don't know son, we're on the Trump train

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

Amish Brakes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
<...

An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club.

It was a search and seizure.

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

My brakes failed the other day

And I got a crash course on Newton's first law

My dad told me this while we were changing out some brakes

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.

The lady at the counter says "that'll be 7.99 plus tax"

"Tacks? The damn things don't even hold themselves on?"

Warehouse fire (long)

There was a warehouse that caught fire. It started as a single alarm fire but quickly grew to a 3 alarm blaze. The owner of the warehouse arrived on scene and quickly realized that the fire department wasn't going to be able to save the building. His biggest concern was the secret formula stored in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a cab in Winnipeg and had a hell of a ride.

As we approached a red light the driver just gunned it right through the intersection???? Holy shit dude what the hell are you doing, I screamed at the driver.
No no it's fine he says,me and my brother whom is also a cab driver do this all the time all over the city.
I relax when I see all the...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm. He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep. He is utterly disgusted.

A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible. I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!" He turns around, and soon arrive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants

The driver shouts out t...

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