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Brakes Jokes

Once you start buying cheap brakes.....

You won't be able to stop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brakes

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.

He applies brakes hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The train driver jumps and walks to the boy who had just finished and was standing ...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

My bike needs new brakes.

I'm addicted to riding it though. I just can't stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

It takes good brakes to drive the way I do

Other people's good brakes

What do you call a driver that brakes all the way down a hill?

Wasted potential

Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."

Amish Brakes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
<...

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

Why don't Switzerland's cars have brakes?

Because their always on neutral.

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

Dad, what are brakes?

I don't know son, we're on the Trump train

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

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I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday, not really paying attention, and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well, ram me in the ass as hard as you can, why don't you?"

Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

My brakes failed the other day

And I got a crash course on Newton's first law

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

During a bus trip, the driver commented to a passenger: "People only value things when they don't have them, don't you think?"

The passenger replied: "Are you talking about a woman, money...?
The driver said: " I'm talking about the brakes..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club.

It was a search and seizure.

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

My dad told me this while we were changing out some brakes

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.

The lady at the counter says "that'll be 7.99 plus tax"

"Tacks? The damn things don't even hold themselves on?"

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No. It wooden start.

Ever heard of Adolph the Brown-nosed reindeer?

His brakes don’t work

That's how to do it...

Bob and Marty were out drinking one night and were talking. Bob: I just can't seem to fool my wife, no matter what I do. I park the car a block from the house and walk the rest of the way. I enter the house as quietly as I can. I take of my shoes before I slowly climb the stairs. I get undressed in...

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Bear buys a new motorbike

And he wants to show it off to his friend rabbit. They get on and slowly go up a big hill. Then on the way down they go 80, 90, 100, 110, 120 km/h! The bear then asks the rabbit:

”Are you scared?”

“Nope”, says the rabbit, so they finish the ride and get off the bike.

“May I try...

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