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Clam Jokes

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Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous?

He was coming out of his shell.

What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Why was the clam limping on Monday morning?

Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

what's the difference between a epileptic clam and a hooker with diarrhea?

You gotta shuck the oyster between fits

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So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

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what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

How’d the clam cross the river?

Took a taxi crab.

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

...it's like what the mussel said to the clam...

“I wouldn't wish that on an anemone!"

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

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A plane filled with passengers was flying from Glasgow, Scotland to Dublin, Ireland.

Just as the plane reached the ocean, a bunch of warning instruments in the cockpit lit up. The captain made an announcement to the passengers. "Please remain clam. We are experiencing mechanical problems, and I do not believe the plane is safe to fly across the sea. We are going to have to turn ...

An Oyster kept running in and out.....

An Oyster kept running in and out of a Clam Bar in the hopes of finding some clunge for the night.

The Barman said: " Careful mate! You might pull a Muscle!".

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If the term for men is getting cock blocked

The term for women should be getting clam jammed

What else you got ? I also thought of beaver dammed

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

What do you call a racist mollusk?

What do you call a racist mollusk?

A Ku Klux Clam.

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

I've never dated a clam

but i have pulled a few mussels

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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I have a question about tampons

Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?

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A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.

The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"

The man gives the Aladdin-li...

If men suffer from shrinkage when cold, ...

. . . do women clam shut?

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

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Little Johnny runs to the kitchen

...and shouts "Mommy, mommy! There is a clam! A big clam in the bedroom". Mom a bit confused asks "What are you talking about Johnny? What clam?". Johnny takes mom's hand and pulls her in the direction of the bedroom. He opens the door, points at the bed and shouts "There it is! There is the clam!"....

What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish?

A cool clux clam.

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.

The day before they were to leave, she asked him,

"Are you sure about this?"

He tried to clam her down, saying

"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose…?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find

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