Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

A clam walks into the bar...

The bartender asks him, "how the hell did you do that?"

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

What’s the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

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What's the difference between a clam fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits one fucks between shits.

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

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A clam and a rooster meet up for a date.

Cockle do? Cock a doodle do!

What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

Why was the clam limping on Monday morning?

Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.

'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'

'That much?'

'...

What did the clam say when a crab attacked him?

Kelp!

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Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous?

He was coming out of his shell.

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing we...

How did the clam launder money for the Trump family?

Through a shell company!

(waits quietly for MSNBC show)

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

...it's like what the mussel said to the clam...

“I wouldn't wish that on an anemone!"

If men "shrink" when it's cold out . . .

... then do women "clam shut" ?

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

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I have a question about tampons

Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

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Little Johnny runs to the kitchen

...and shouts "Mommy, mommy! There is a clam! A big clam in the bedroom". Mom a bit confused asks "What are you talking about Johnny? What clam?". Johnny takes mom's hand and pulls her in the direction of the bedroom. He opens the door, points at the bed and shouts "There it is! There is the clam!"....

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

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A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.

The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"

The man gives the Aladdin-li...

At the beach

(When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...)

Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for c...

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A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silent...

What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war?

You get a crab wound.

So you go the police but they clam't help you.

Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.

Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose…?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.

The day before they were to leave, she asked him,

"Are you sure about this?"

He tried to clam her down, saying

"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

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The Donut Joke

There was once an unemployed donut named Bob. Luckily for him, a pirate ship sailed into the port that day. He went to the captain of the ship and said, “Can I work on your ship?” The captain said “No.” The donut went home all sad and depressed. The next day, he went back to the captain. “Can I work...

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