What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

What do clams do for their birthday?

They shellibrate...

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

What's the difference between a clam with epilepsy and a hooker with the runs?

One you shuck between fits...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

Beautiful clams don't look out for others

They're pretty shellfish

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

Why was the clam limping on Monday morning?

Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

How’d the clam cross the river?

Took a taxi crab.

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the ejaculating clam so nervous?

He was coming out of his shell.

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

What’s the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

A clam walks into the bar...

The bartender asks him, "how the hell did you do that?"

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

What do you call a clam that lifts?

A hoyster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clam and a rooster meet up for a date.

Cockle do? Cock a doodle do!

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Many women object to the restaurant named ‘The Pink Taco’

Personally I would prefer “The Bearded Clam.”

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

I've never dated a clam

but i have pulled a few mussels

A man is in the middle of his eye exam.

It seems to be going well until the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read words off a board.

The doctor asks, “What does this say?”

The man says, “That’s easy enough. I.”

The doctor points at the next line.

“That says Am.”

The doctor points at the next line, an...

A man goes to the doctor as he has a problem speaking.

He says, “Doctor, I’m having a problem where I can’t speak this specific letter. It’s getting really irritating!”

The doctor, using his quick thinking, says, “Alright, repeat all the letters in the alphabet for me.”

The man rattles of the first twenty, but then clams up, face full of f...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

If men "shrink" when it's cold out . . .

... then do women "clam shut" ?

What do you call two shellfish causing accidents?

Clam-ities

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a question about tampons

Do they call it Tampax Pearl because it goes in their clam?

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

At the beach

(When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...)

Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for c...

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny runs to the kitchen

...and shouts "Mommy, mommy! There is a clam! A big clam in the bedroom". Mom a bit confused asks "What are you talking about Johnny? What clam?". Johnny takes mom's hand and pulls her in the direction of the bedroom. He opens the door, points at the bed and shouts "There it is! There is the clam!"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.

The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"

The man gives the Aladdin-li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silent...

What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish?

A cool clux clam.

What happens when you get mixed up in an undersea gang war?

You get a crab wound.

So you go the police but they clam't help you.

Eventually you end up at the hospital and they tell you you'll need a sturgeon.

Then you murder everyone because you are so god damn tired of their undersea puns.

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.

The day before they were to leave, she asked him,

"Are you sure about this?"

He tried to clam her down, saying

"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose…?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.