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Jake : "My sex life isn't that bad, all considered. After all these years I still fuck my wife once a week".

Joe : "Not bad ! Bit after all these years I can't complain either, I still do it every second day".
Andy : "That's cool. Myself i'm really lucky I guess. After all that time i still do it twice a day".
Jake : "But, Andy ! what are you saying ? You don't even have a wife !"

Andy : "...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

Jake walks in on his sister and best friend...

"Woah?" Said the brother, What's going on here?"

"Wait calm down, Micheal and I can explain..." Stated the sister.

"No, it's all good. he and I are equal now." Said Jake.

They pause for a moment.

"I don't have a sister..." Said Micheal confused.

"It could be a boy....

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Jake, my pussy-eating frog

A guy walks into a bar holding a frog and when he sits down next to a hot blonde, he sets the frog on the bar. She turns to him and asks, "What the hell is that frog?"

"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."

The blonde looks at the frog, shakes her head and goes back to her drink. An hou...

Kevin and Jake had fallen on bad days. Finally, they resorted to theft.

They decided to break into a millionaire's house the following night. Inside the house, Jake accidentally dropped a goblet, which shattered. The noise woke someone up. "Who's there?" the voice demanded. Jake had the presence of mind to reply "meow." After grabbing his fill, Jake slipped out into the...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

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Nsfw Whats the difference between hitler and Jake Paul

At least people will remember hitler

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Jake and Wallace need a tiebreaker.

Jake and Wallace are 12 year old twin brothers. As they were heading out to the car, they both called shotgun at the same time.

To break the tie, they decided to flip a coin, best out of three.

Jake picked heads, Wallace picked tails.

Jake flips the coin, it was heads.

...

What would you call a movie staring Jake Paul and a Psychopath?

Dumb and Dahmer

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How long does it take for jake pauls mum to take a shit

9 months

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Has anyone seen Jake from State Farm?

Is anyone else care State Farm is gaslighting us? Or is this one of those Mandela Effect situations?

Mike and jake went camping...

They put the tent up and went to sleep

Mike woke up and said: hey look at the sky what do you see

Jake: I see the stars

Mike: what does that mean

Jake: the universe is huge and it has all these stars and planets around them

Mike: no the tent is stolen

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

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Jake and Dave on a camping trip (NSFW!)

Jake and Dave were on a camping trip. On the last day of their trip, they couldn't decide what to do. Jake wanted to go to the beach, Dave wanted to go hiking. So they split up for the day.

They met back up late at night at camp. Jake was like "Dude, my day was AWESOME! I went to the beach an...

My good freind Jake is writing my biography

I told him he should kill off the main character

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

Ben has one dog. Jake has two fish. How many fish are there?

Three. Ben’s dog was just a red herring

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

Why didn't Jake Paul dress up for Halloween?

He didn't need a costume to go as a failure.

Jake was sitting on the porch with his little sister, and said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly hit by a truck. Jake just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

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So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,

Logan Paul will be there to record it

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

O...

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

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I like my sex life like I like my Jake Paul videos

A little tease in the beginning and 10 minutes of whole nothing.

Jake wanted a brother

Jake had been asking his father for a brother the whole morning. His dad got annoyed so he gave little Jake some seeds.

"Just put these by the window, it attracts the storks!"

A few months later the neigbors had a baby delivered. Little Jake went to the newfound father and said:
...

Jake and Phil were best friends, in a mental asylum.

They had done everything together. They ate together, shared jokes together and in general had a solid friendship. One day, while the asylum had organized a swimming event, Phil started to drown. He had never learned to swim: however, his friend Jake knew how. So, seeing his friend in danger, decide...

Jake was on his deathbed

His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must co...

In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake...

Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils.

They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault.

One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: "I'm done with ...

On a train.

"Madam could you please ask your son to stop imitating me , its very annoying."

"I am so sorry....Jake! Stop acting stupid!"

Bill was lying on his death bed

His faithful wife at his side, comforting him. Bill weakly lifts his head and says "Honey, if this is it for me, I don't want you to be alone. You should marry Jake, across the street"

"I can't even think of anything like that right now," she responds. "But, Jake? I thought you hated him."...

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Jake and Dennis were joking it up and getting drunk at the football game... [nsfw-ish...I guess]

...when Jake turned around and thought he saw a woman sitting about ten rows behind them with her legs spread open and black pubic hair showing deep between them.

"Jesus, God, Dennis, get a load of that broad back there with her pussy hairs showing!"

Dennis craned around and focused o...

We’ve been watching so much CNN that

My kid thinks Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and John King are the founding fathers.

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
...

A brother and mother are fighting.

They're agruing about politics, about who's wrong and who's right. They argue long into the night. This is not the first time that this had happened before. They do this on almost a weekly basis at the dinner table. The brother is the head of his debate club, while his mother is just very stubborn.<...

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

What do you call a town where no one drinks alcohol?

Jake Paul.

Since its got no bars.

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

Which kind of hall is the most famous worldwide?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

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They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

My girlfriend once turned to me in bed

She asked me:Jake would you ever consider adoption

I answered:Only if you got pregnant

A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the ...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

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There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

Wife: *Leaves the room*

Husband: Okay, Jake. She's gone. Now take the khakis off.

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

A sheriff walks into a bar...

A sheriff walks into a bar and says, "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."


The bartender says, "What's he wanted for?"


"Rustlin'."

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

A couple on their 60th anniversary

Jake and Jane wake up on the day of their 60th anniversary. Jane turns to Jake and says:
Jane: Jake, is there anything you have been keeping a secret in all these years from me? Today is our 60th anniversary and you can come clean! I want be mad.
Jake: Well Jane, now that you asked, it was me ...

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball. While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.

"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.

"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal...

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A women offered to have sex with me...

I was walking through the supermarket today and a women came up to me and said she was in need of help. She said she would sleep with me if I advertised a shampoo product for her. I refused, as I’m a man with strong morals, just like the creators of Jakes Body Wash. It’s a magnificent body wash and ...

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So a man walks into a bar,

The bar tender asks, what can I get for you

Man: I think I'll have myself a gin and tonic tonight.

The Bartender places an apple on the counter.

Man: what the hell is this?

BT:Just take a bite,

The man bites "holy shit, that tastes like gin!

BT: Now turn it ...

Ethan, Do you think i'm a bad mother?

-My name is Jake.

A dad’s three daughters are all going on their first dates.

Obviously he is a little worried, so he asks for the three guys to come to his house so that he can see that his daughters are in good hands.

The first guy comes along. He says, “Hey I’m Jake and I want to take your daughter out for steak.”

The father thinks that this guy has good inte...

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

Three Amish ladies are in a field picking potatoes

Their husbands names are Jake, Jacob and Jakey. They would always get confused. So one day they decided to nickname them. Mabel said "lets name them after soda pop", the other two said "what do you mean?". Mabel said she would go first and said " I'll call my Jacob 7-Up because he has 7 inches and i...

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

Some people call me the space cowboy

I wish they'd stop my names Jake

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

A man is looking for a pet dog...

He's driving through the country when he spots an old guy sitting on his porch with a german shepherd.

He stops his car, gets out, and approaches the man. "That's a fine-looking dog you have there, sir. I would like to buy him. How does fifty bucks sound?"

The old man looks down at the...

My 3 sons placed 1st, 2nd and 3rd in a talent contest judged by Lee Kun-hee

Jake juggled, Daniel danced and Sam sung

The incident at the Cemetery.

It was summer. Jake went on a stroll. Soon he arrived at a cemetery. There, he saw a woman, sitting on a grave.

He asked, "Sitting on someone's grave, alone in the cemetery, aren't you scared?".

Woman, " Scared? Of what? It gets hot inside, so I just got out for air."

Nate the Snake

Once there were two friends named John and Bob. John and Bob were going to California to spend some time at the beach. As they were driving through the desert their car hit a sand dune and flipped. Bob was killed instantly, and John barely made it out alive. Since Bob and John had not planned for a ...

A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He ...

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So, a cruise ship goes down

So a cruise ship that is hosting a supermodel convention sinks and the only two people to survive are Cindy Crawford and a boiler room operator. They make it to a deserted island and have been there for about two weeks.

One day Cindy walks up to the worker and says, "You know, we've been her...

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50 Bucks is 50 Bucks...

Jake and Mabel are a married couple and they are barely scraping by each year. The only time they spend any extra money is when they visit the county fair. Every time they go to the fair, there is a helicopter ride that circles the entire fair.

Jake says to Mabel, “Gee I really wish we could...

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"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says....

Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...

He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect any...

My Sadie

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were t...

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair...

... and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speed...

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Old man Finklestein is dying.

Old man Finklestein is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and had told no one but his dear wife, Sadie.

It is a week before the doctors told him he would kick the bucket, and he had straightened out his will and finances, so he decided to tell his best friend, Mr. Ginsberg.
<...

Thought of this at work today... I was really hungry

There was a cannibal named Jake,

And eating himself, he would partake.

An hour in season,

And finally he reasoned:

He had made a giant *"Me Steak"*!

Coach Larry

There wasn't anywhere in Florida you could go without hearing about how great a football coach Larry was. And he was, no doubt, one of the greatest, most respected coaches of the University of Florida.

On the first day of training, he decided to take the Freshman on a run to prepare and inspi...

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Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubb...

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The Fair

Jake and John are walking around the annual fair. Suddenly they see a stall with a curtain and a sign saying 'Blowjob 5 Dollars'. Jake quickly pushes John aside, goes behind the curtain, drops his pants and puts 5 dollars in the box. John, waiting outside, is surprised to see his friend return after...

I don't know which child you think I don't treat correctly...

Jake, Thomas or the fat ugly one?

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

The dogfood diet

(don't know the source, my dad sent me this he prob heard it on the radio)

Yesterday I was at my local Publix buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think....

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My grandfather's favorite joke

Two men are sitting at a bar one night, Danny and Jacob. Danny looks over to Jake and says "My wife is gonna kill me; i'm drunk as a skunk", Jake says "Ah! you're fine have another beer!" So Danny has another beer, and he ends up puking all over himself. Danny says "Ah look at me, i gone thrown up a...

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