UPJOKE
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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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Boris and Vasily Go To The Beach

Two Ukraine men go to beach to see hot chicks. They take off clothes put on Speedo then go to sand. As they stand, many hot chicks look at and talk sexy to Vasily. Not so for Boris. When walk on sand, hot chicks look at Vasily. Not look Boris.

Finally Boris say, "All hot chicks be liking you,...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

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Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

What’s the difference between Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher?

One starved miners and one starved minors

A Scot, Irishman and Welshman walk into a bar. Boris Johnson runs after them...

... looking for ideas on how to handle Covid.

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

Dmitri asked Boris:

"Is it true that American airplanes are the fastest in the world?"


"Sadly, yes. But, on the other hand, Russian watches are the fastest in the world."

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What do you call it when a fowl chasing Boris Johnson bites him in the butt?

Chicken cacciatore.

(I'm so sorry.)

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

Boris Johnson said everything would be back to normal on 21st June

Julyed

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In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

Norris: I can defeat any chess champion in three moves or less.

Boris: You know Chess?

Norris: No, Judo

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

Boris and Viktor are sitting in a bar drunk

Boris- You know? Uncle Antonov is now resting in peace...

Viktor -I had no clue uncle Antonov is dead

Boris - No, not him , my aunt is...

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

Boris Johnson is sitting on a train

Not wishing to discuss PartyGate with anyone, he finds a reserved but empty compartment. He is soon joined by an outing of patients from an institution.
Their minder began a headcount. ‘One, two, three, four…’ when he came to Johnson.
‘Who are you?’ said the minder.
‘I’m the prime minist...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

What do you call a wild Russian pig that is just kinda meh?

Boris Godunov

(Also Putin is acceptable answer)

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

Bad move by Boris Johnson promising 68 million people christmas

Its all ended in tiers

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing....

Boris saves Christmas .....

Driver shortages will soon be a thing of the past as Boris has personally ordered 50000 fridge magnets from Amazon today. A reporter asked how that will help to which trolley replies "well we know there are two poles in a magnet..."

What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne 69 years ago today. When asked for comment, Boris Johnson replied,

"Nice."

What’s Boris Johnson’s least favourite Christmas vegetable?

Brussels Sprouts!

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

Boris promised 40 new NHS hospitals over the next ten years.

At this rate, it'll only take him about a month and a half.

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

The best phone call

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin all died and go to hell.

On arrival, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs...

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

A mule walks into a bar in Moscow

The bartender looks at him and says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

“Really?” replies the mule “There’s a drink named Boris?”

Re Boris Johnson’s recent lockdown announcement.

I knew it would end in tiers

Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus.

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

Boris Johnson is the proof

That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore.

Help

NEWS FLASH: Massive earthquake devastates Pakistan

I major earthquake hits pakistan causing massive damage and loss of lives. Early reports outline damage to infrastructure, roads, power and water supply. A horryfying number of confirmed casulties lists 1 million dead with many stilll unaccounted for.

The world leaders have come to togeth...

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters...

I hope he’s not licked the envelopes.

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Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

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Girl, you got an ass like Boris Johnson

It just WILL NOT quit

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their g...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: “It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!”

Ivan: “Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.”

Boris: “Blyat. My bad.”

Ivan: “Our bad.”

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

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I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."

"Russian blue?"

"No but Ukrainian gave handjob!"

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My name is Boris....

I build many fences but do they call me Borris the fence maker? No. I deliver many babies but do the call me Borris the baby deliverer? No! I build many orphanages but do they call me Borris the orphanage builder? NO! But you fuck ONE goat...

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

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A guy walks into a bar.

He says to the barman, is that Biden and Boris Johnson over there? Bartender says, "Yep that's them" so the guy walks over and says,wow this is a real honour! What you guys doing here? Boris says, We're planning World WW111, guy says, really what's going to happen? Biden says, We are gonna kill 140 ...

Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

These Britishers are great !!

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in...

What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?

Quit Russian.

A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.

The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:

"Name?"

"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."

"Do you have a visa?"

"No, but we were invited here."

"Occupation?"

"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

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The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

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Donald Trump visits the Queen of England

Donald Trump visits the Queen of England and is amazed how nice everything is. He asks her: How do you run your country in such a nice way?

She answers: Oh that's easy. I surround myself with smart people. Could someone send in my prime minister please?

Boris Johnson enters the room an...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

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The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking ...

Herd Immunity’s Victory

Hong Kong showed the world how to actively contain the virus.

Italy showed the world how one fails to contain the virus.

India showed the world how anybody can contain the virus.

Boris Johnson showed the world that the virus does not need to be contained.

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia...

how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low.
Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?"
Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea....

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About a Russian fisherman

A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.

He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."

Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"

The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.

When he comes home, his wif...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Russian joke

Two peasants, Boris and Igor are poor. Boris has a goat. Igor does not. One day while walking thru the woods, Igor meets a fairy. "What do you wish for?" She ask.

"I wish" Igor says "that Boris's goat should die"

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

Russian Condoms!

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied ...

A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna...

...when he spied an old friend of his. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replied, "I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replied.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for ...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

What did you do in the war?

USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever s...

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