Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

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Boris and Vasily Go To The Beach

Two Ukraine men go to beach to see hot chicks. They take off clothes put on Speedo then go to sand. As they stand, many hot chicks look at and talk sexy to Vasily. Not so for Boris. When walk on sand, hot chicks look at Vasily. Not look Boris.

Finally Boris say, "All hot chicks be liking you,...

boris johnson,scotsman,welshman,irishman updated

the 4 above are on a plane,malfunction and the plane starts to go down

theres only 1 parachute

scotsman (sacrificing himself)bravely shouts "For Scotland!"and jumps out

welshman (also sacrificing himself)shouts "For Wales!"and jumps out!

irishman shouts "For Ireland" and ...

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What’s the difference between Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher?

One starved miners and one starved minors

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Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

Boris and Viktor are sitting in a bar drunk

Boris- You know? Uncle Antonov is now resting in peace...

Viktor -I had no clue uncle Antonov is dead

Boris - No, not him , my aunt is...

Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet

Now he's about to go yell at the table

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives?

The world.

Boris promised 40 new NHS hospitals over the next ten years.

At this rate, it'll only take him about a month and a half.

Re Boris Johnson’s recent lockdown announcement.

I knew it would end in tiers

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

Donald Trump is visiting a school

He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Trump. "That would be an ACC...

The best phone call

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin all died and go to hell.

On arrival, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters...

I hope he’s not licked the envelopes.

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Breaking news: Boris Johnson ill with the coronavirus.

"I'm so fucking pissed off. Why did I have to catch this shit?"
- stated the coronavirus.

Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus.

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their g...

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.

The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:

"Name?"

"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."

"Do you have a visa?"

"No, but we were invited here."

"Occupation?"

"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore.

Help

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Girl, you got an ass like Boris Johnson

It just WILL NOT quit

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Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: “It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!”

Ivan: “Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.”

Boris: “Blyat. My bad.”

Ivan: “Our bad.”

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I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."

"Russian blue?"

"No but Ukrainian gave handjob!"

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Donald Trump visits the Queen of England

Donald Trump visits the Queen of England and is amazed how nice everything is. He asks her: How do you run your country in such a nice way?

She answers: Oh that's easy. I surround myself with smart people. Could someone send in my prime minister please?

Boris Johnson enters the room an...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

Herd Immunity’s Victory

Hong Kong showed the world how to actively contain the virus.

Italy showed the world how one fails to contain the virus.

India showed the world how anybody can contain the virus.

Boris Johnson showed the world that the virus does not need to be contained.

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My name is Boris....

I build many fences but do they call me Borris the fence maker? No. I deliver many babies but do the call me Borris the baby deliverer? No! I build many orphanages but do they call me Borris the orphanage builder? NO! But you fuck ONE goat...

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The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia...

how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low.
Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?"
Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea....

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

The new Prime Minister of the UK is...

Boris Johnson

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The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking ...

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

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Wife wants to leave partner after he fucks an entire country

Boris Johnson's wife is reported to have said "I want to leave EU" and in 2 years once the divorce bill goes through he will officially be entering the single market.

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About a Russian fisherman

A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.

He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."

Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"

The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.

When he comes home, his wif...

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

Russian joke

Two peasants, Boris and Igor are poor. Boris has a goat. Igor does not. One day while walking thru the woods, Igor meets a fairy. "What do you wish for?" She ask.

"I wish" Igor says "that Boris's goat should die"

Russian Condoms!

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied ...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

What did you do in the war?

USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever s...

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