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Nicola Jokes

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Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

Nicolas Cage might be crazy

But you gotta admit, the man is a national treasure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nicola and Mario

Three women are talking, the first lady says: when i want a long night of sex I wait my husband come out from shower, I take he's balls and I say "Wow, Nicola! Your balls are so hot!", result: we make 10 time sex!
The day after the second lady says I try it! It work! I wait my husband when he com...

Nicola Sturgeon is visiting a hospital

And as she walks into one of the wards, a patient hails her with "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!".

As she is blinking in surprise, another patient adds "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar...

The barman says, "Why the wrong face?"

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

What do you call a broke Nicolas Cage?

Nickel-less Cage...

How does Nicolas Cage answer his phone?

"Yes, I'll do your movie!"

Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?

He doesn't know how to turn things down

There's a movie called The Rock that doesn't star The Rock, but rather Nicolas Cage.

If The Rock ever stars in a movie called Cage I fear this will only grow more confusing.

Nicolas Maduro walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer

"That'll be 1.254,430,197 bolivars, sir!"

"1,279,722,978 bolivars?! No one can afford a 1,327,003,407 bolivar beer!"

Did you hear about the acting role Nicolas Cage turned down?

Neither has he

Why can Saint Nicolas never be prosecuted?

Because of the Santa Clause

What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through?

Oh God, not the B's!

It was the night before Christmas

Three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub. Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.

Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven, Saint Nicolas was waiti...

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

People make fun of me for being poor

I am not penniless.

I am Nicolas.

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il

Assistant: Excuse me, a what?

Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.

Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?

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