Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

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Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

Ernie, wanna go out for Ice Cream?

Sure, Bert.

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

What's the opposite of Ernie Wise?

Kirsten Dunst

I bought a lizard, Ernie, a while ago, and after two weeks he just stopped working.

I took Ernie to the vet, and they diagnosed him with ereptile dysfunction.

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"Ma'm, are you Bess, wife of Ernie at the brewery?"

"Why yes, I am. What's going on?"

"Well ma'm, I'm sorry to say that Ernie drowned today at work. He fell in the vat."

"Oh my god! Why? Please, at least tell me it was quick!"

"Sorry, ma'm, it wasn't quick at all. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss"

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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:

-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for ...

What is Ernie's favorite kind of ice cream

Orange Sherbert!

Yes I know it's spelled sherbet - bite me!

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

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Bert and Ernie are at the beach on a hot summer's afternoon...

Bert pulls out his cooler and opens it up.

"Do you want some ice cream, Ernie?"

"Sure Bert."

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[OC] If they wanted an orange puppet at the helm, Ernie should have run for other team.

At least the hand up his ass is an American.

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I was in bed with my boyfriend Ernie last night, and he said to me "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box."

I said to him "Ernie get off my back."

h/t: Bette Midler

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I will never forget it you know . . .

One time my boyfriend Ernie looked at me and said Soph if you could learn to cook we could fire the chef. I said if you could learn to fuck we could fire the chauffeur.

The 3 brothers

Three brothers named Ernie, Matt, and Steve are on a boat, when suddenly it wrecks. The brothers are the only survivors. They swim to a shore, only to be captured be natives. The natives dislike outsiders, and so they arrange to have them executed. A man with a bow aims at Ernie and asks, "Do you ha...

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Two Drunks. (warning: dirty)

Two drunks were standing around on the street talking. The first one says ,"Goddamn, Ernie I need a drink! I got fifty cents. How much you got?" Guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out 35 cents. "Damn, we can't get no drinks for 85 cents!" The first drunk thinks a minute and says "I got an idea. Let...

2 Cops.

Cop 1: Hey, we have a B&E case, let's go investigate.

Cop 2: *GAAAAASSP* Bert & Ernie?! My 2nd grade best friend shaved his head once and got to meet them. I never saw him again so I shaved my head hoping that I could live at Sesame Street too.

Cop 1: *facepalms* He was a Make-...

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Fascinate

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.

Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?

Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.

Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the ...

Poker

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your m...

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...

Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

I should’ve dressed up as an A-10 pilot named Ernest for Halloween.

Then I could say I’m “Brrrrrrrrrrrrt and Ernie.”

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

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A man was out of work...

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and ...

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Why we need armed guards at McDonalds

Dirty Ernie was about 8 years old and had just gotten a cowboy outfit for his birthday. His mom took him to McDonalds and he wore the suit. He was ordering his happy meal, and the cashier thought he was cute. She asked, "Do you want a dessert, sweetie?"

Ernie pulled out his six-shooter, twirl...

$50

Ethel and Ernie had been married over 40 years and a fair had come to town which offered a helicopter ride. Ernie really wanted to ride the helicopter and so they went and upon getting there Ethel told Ernie he couldn’t go because the ride cost $50. Ernie pleaded with his wife and she kept refusing ...

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