Boris Johnson Jokes

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

But then again, he was in the SS.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take... read more

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.... read more

Suddenly, the horse lets out a long, godalmighty fart, the kind that sounds like it could strip paint.

The Queen, embarrassed, leans to Boris and says "I'm sorry about that".

And Boris replies "That's quite alright, ma'am, I thought it was the horse."

Julyed

An empty cabinet

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

Not wishing to discuss PartyGate with anyone, he finds a reserved but empty compartment. He is soon joined by an outing of patients from an institution.
Their minder began a headcount. ‘One, two, three, four…’ when he came to Johnson.
‘Who are you?’ said the minder.
‘I’m the prime minist... read more

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

BoJo lost his BroJo

That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians

I knew it would end in tiers

They're both massive bell-ends.

One starved miners and one starved minors

Deal or No Deal

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ... read more

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f... read more

Its all ended in tiers

I hope he’s not licked the envelopes.

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

... looking for ideas on how to handle Covid.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
... read more

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

"Nice."

An every day man died, and floated up to heaven. And at the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him.

And he said “before we can let you Into heaven we need to check your lie clock first”

‘My lie clock said the man?’ What’s that?

St Peter told him it’s a big clock that ke... read more

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

Help

Are: P.M. Boris Johnson, Pres. Donald Trump and Pres. Alexander Lukashenko and one of them must go over the side to save the other two. They hold a vote to decide who it will be.

Result: Boris Johnson 1 vote.
Donald Trump 3 votes
Alexander Lukashenko 220,399 votes

Lukashenko dem... read more

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin all died and go to hell.

On arrival, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs... read more

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in... read more

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!