Blew Jokes - 98 Hilarious Blew Jokes

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

upvote

downvote

report

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds

upvote

downvote

report

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

upvote

downvote

report

A lifeguard caught me peeing in a pool and blew their whistle at me.

Scared me so much I almost fell in.

upvote

downvote

report

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill…

upvote

downvote

report

Hit a pothole and blew out a tire today

Ba-Dum-Bum-TSS

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

Remember when you blew bubbles when you were younger

Well… he’s looking for you

upvote

downvote

report

My house was so windy it blew my window open and I struggled to get it to close

It was a huge pane

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then ...

What did Optimus Prime do when his dishwasher blew a transformer?

He filed for divorce.

upvote

downvote

report

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

upvote

downvote

report

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.

Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

upvote

downvote

report

What did the robber say when he blew up the bank?

edit: WOW! this blew up! thanks for the gold!

upvote

downvote

report

A barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber

upvote

downvote

report

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johny was assigned to perform an experiment for his biology class

Little Johny decided to run the experiment on the auditory system of his cockroach, Mark, since it didn't pay rent anyway.

To keep track of the things he performed, little Johny wrote down all the steps in his journal:

\- Day 1: I blew a vuvuzela directly to Mark’s ears. Th...

My chemistry set blew up...

I guess oxidants do happen!!

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

A french cheese factory blew up in rural paris

There was de brie everywhere on the floor

upvote

downvote

report

My wife has braces and blew me last night

Now my kids are behind bars.

upvote

downvote

report

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

It would be IX/XI.

upvote

downvote

report

Put my bin out this morning but the storm blew it away

It went wheelie high

upvote

downvote

report

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation

Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

upvote

downvote

report

Our company has been working on this big deal for a year and I just blew it.

Oh well, I guess it’s no big deal.

upvote

downvote

report

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.

Happy cake day to me :)

upvote

downvote

report

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

upvote

downvote

report

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

upvote

downvote

report

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

upvote

downvote

report

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

upvote

downvote

report

I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

upvote

downvote

report

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blew a seal

Penguin stops at a mechanic because of a noise his car makes.
Mechanic-It'll be an hour before I can figure it out, head to the store across the street and get something to pass the time. So the penguin goes and grabs an ice cream cone, but without opposable thumbs its hard not to make a mess. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

upvote

downvote

report

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

upvote

downvote

report

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It...

upvote

downvote

report

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

upvote

downvote

report

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

upvote

downvote

report

Got so drunk last night I blew chunks

Chunks is my dog

upvote

downvote

report

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

upvote

downvote

report

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

upvote

downvote

report

I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night...

I could see it in her eyes.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

upvote

downvote

report

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

upvote

downvote

report

(NSFW) GSW blew a 3-1 lead. Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead....

Can't believe La La Land blew a misread

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

A fishing boat was out on the sea when a storm blew up.

The wives of the fishermen gathered by the docks, and were all really worried that the boat may go down. Everyone, except the captain’s wife, who was as calm as a clam shell, but wouldn’t say why. After a while, the others were getting quite annoyed that she, the captain’s wife of all, seemed almost...

upvote

downvote

report

A Smuckers truck blew up in front of me today

I got stuck in a horrible traffic jam

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

upvote

downvote

report

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

upvote

downvote

report

What did the Mexican say when a gust of wind blew his homework out the window?

Come back essay!

upvote

downvote

report

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

the execution

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole just blew sandalwood smoke in my face.

I'm incensed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

upvote

downvote

report

I just blew a speaker in my car.

He said he was motivational.

upvote

downvote

report

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You ca...

upvote

downvote

report

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40...

upvote

downvote

report

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...

authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

upvote

downvote

report

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

upvote

downvote

report

A member of ISIS accidentally blew himself up...

Well, Ji-had it coming.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old Finnish story

A few young guys were bored on a Saturday night and decided to go drive a roundabout. It was in the middle of the night, no other cars, so they decided to drive the roundabout in reverse. Suddenly, a car came from behind and rear-ended them.

The cops were called and both cars were waiting. Wh...

What did Raichu say to Pikachu?

Raichu

upvote

downvote

report

Did you hear about the French chef that blew up the kitchen?

They’re calling him Linoleum Blownapart

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She blew me a kiss from across a crowded room.

I caught it and punched myself in the dick with it, to let her know I like it rough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

I totally blew it with my new girlfriend

That's how it goes with inflatable partners.

upvote

downvote

report

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Look what the wind blew off!

A soldier and his longtime girlfriend had just gotten married and were enjoying their honeymoon in a romantic oasis; both were virgins and had waited years for their consummation. As they were about the make love he was contacted by the army who said World War II had just begun and he had to be depl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

I drank so much I blew Chunks

Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.

Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.

Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...

upvote

downvote

report

I've spent my life savings building the world's first Apathy Bomb and it just blew up in my face.

And here I am posting OC on r/jokes. Stupid thing didn't even work.

upvote

downvote

report

i once lost my watch..

i once lost my watch at a party. after an hour of searching, i saw a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. i immediately went to him, kicked him, and saved the woman. no one ever harasses a female, not on my watch

edit- damn this blew up like a time bomb

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the tornado that blew through the strip club?

It was a real titty-twister!

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

upvote

downvote

report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.