I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider" to which the blind man replied "step on it"

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A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling. ~ Michael Kosta

Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe?

The recipe needs to go step-by-step

Wheelchair gang rise up.

Oh wait...

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...

As a paraplegic I wish the wheelchair jokes would stop

I can't stand them

I saw a guy in a wheelchair wearing a camo outfit

I thought, man you can hide but you can't run.

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

My sister is dating a guy in a wheelchair but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I've been told he's not a stand up guy.

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

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I went a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair.

As the evening went on, I got more and more drunk and she became more and more attractive. Eventually, I leaned into her..

"So tell me," I slurred, "Have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." She replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

To a disabled person in a wheelchair, who stole my invisibility cloak:

You can hide, but you can't run!

Ever since I've needed to use a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude.

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

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A woman puts an add in a newspaper to find a new husband

The addd states, “I need a man that won’t beat me, won’t chase after me, and is good in bed.”

The next day she hears a ring at her doorbell. She answers the door to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

The woman: Can I help you?

The man: I’m here to answer your a...

I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.

I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

My wheelchair bound girlfriend broke up with me.

I think it was because she couldn’t stand me.

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

Now neither of us are rolling.

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A man on a beach walks up to a woman in a wheelchair

This woman is crying, he asks “why Are you crying?” She says “ nobody has ever taken me on a date before” he says, “oh well, I’ll take you on a date!” So they go on a nice date and he takes her back to the spot on the beach he met her at, as he walks away, he hears crying again “what is it now?” He...

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

My girlfriend is in wheelchair

But I want to take the next step in our relationship

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound hookers.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to give a girl in a wheelchair a lap dance?

She wasn't feeling it.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

He was so ungrateful, didn't even give it a go. He just sat in his wheelchair and cried

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After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

I used to bully someone in a wheelchair.

He didn't stand up for himself.

I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

Today I watched a video called 10 best wheelchairs in the world.

Below the video it said comments are disabled.

Why are people in wheelchairs not funny?

Because they can’t do stand up

I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

"My wife lost both her prosthetic legs in Indonesia." "Jakarta?"

"No we managed to get her a wheelchair"

A man walks into a bar...

He tells a very funny joke. The people in the bar stand and applause.

A man in a wheelchair says "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!!"

At a monastery

3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful mo...

I played golf yesterday, and saw a guy in a wheelchair on the course.

I asked him what his handicap was.

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

My wheelchair-bound friend said he wanted to run for president.

Guess he’ll just be sitting for president.

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A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper. She asks for three things:

1. A man who will treat her nicely, 2. A man who won't leave her, and 3. A man who is good in bed. Several weeks go by without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a w...

I fined a man £250 after he parked in a handicapped zone.

He was never going to catch me in his wheelchair.

Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

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An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

Text abbreviations for seniors.

• ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

• CGU: Can't Get Up

• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

• GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHAO: Is My Hearing Aid On?

• LMDO: Laughing My ...

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I went outside the pub last night for a cigarette.

I got talking to a guy in a wheelchair, he said,

"Why do you smoke when you don't have to?"

I looked at him and asked, "Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

What are the only jokes people in wheelchairs don’t like?

Running jokes.

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

A guy calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa.

Clerk: $50 per word…
Guy: Grandpa Dead
Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required…
Guy: “Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale”

So I found a lubricant for greasing up wheelchairs...

It’s called vegetable oil.

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

Why do people in wheelchairs try to argue?

Their argument doesn’t even have legs to stand on

Paralampics

Three wheelchair users in the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

You know what the teenager said to the man in the wheelchair?

"uh, lame."

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian woman and a girl in a wheelchair walk into a bar.

Just kidding, the girl is in a wheelchair.

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