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Commandment Jokes

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The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

The Church just added an 11th COMMANDMENT.

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow?

Don't take God's name in vein.

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died.

However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God for this woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

God and Adam are walking through the Garden of Eden.

Adam sees a bull climbing upon a cow.

**Adam**: God, what are they doing?

**God**: They are following the commandment "Be fruitful and multiply".

They walk further. This time, Adam sees a bird mounted by another bird.

**Adam**: God, and what are these two doing?

**...

The preacher's sermon was about the ten commandments.



When he got to "thou shalt not steal", he noticed that Scott was looking all around him, but when he got to "thou shalt not commit adultery", Scott started smiling.

After the service the preacher asked Scott what he was thinking during the sermon. Scott said, "When you talked about s...

Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

Someone told my that I break the Ten Commandments every single day. I proved them wrong!

You can only break the 4th Commandment once a week.

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashi...

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we'r...

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