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Baked Beans Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Why have all the baked beans move to Queensland?

Because they like to live in Cairns

Why did the man with poor vision pour baked beans into his eyes?

Heinz-sight is 20/20.

looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...

Heinz site's a wonderful thing

During my school days I was living on baked beans.

A house would probably have been a smarter option.

What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans?

Heinzenburg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

a little corny but here it goes...what can u make with onions and baked beans?

tear gas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married truck driver goes into a brothel

He says to the madam "I'll give you $500 for your ugliest girl and baked beans on burnt toast."

The madam replies "For $500 I'll give you my best looking girl and a 3 course meal."

The truck driver replies "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed?

Baked beans

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out she was pregnant

Her doctor says, “I know you're not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”

The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

Where can I get scrod?

A guy goes to Boston on a business trip. Since he has never been there before he wants to try the local cuisine and, after some research decides the quintessential dish (after baked beans) is a seafood dish made from a young cod fish.
As he gets into the taxi at the airport he asks the driver...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male fairy tale...

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched rugby and went to naked bars a...

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