I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...
We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?" "Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."
10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe
**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**
The gag won 41% of the vote.
## Best of the rest
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...
Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....
"One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes
Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!
1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng
2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle
3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...
Duke of Edinburgh involved in ANOTHER car crash...
Camilla is fine, don't worry.
"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018
When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.
Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh. Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt? "Well have a look" replied the Scotsman. So she leans over and slo...
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Hippos, custard and tapas: the 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe
1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.
3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a h...
Jokes generated by AI at the University of Edinburgh
I like my relationships like I like my source: Open. I like my coffee like I like my war: Cold. I like my boys like I like my sectors: Bad.
A man says to his doctor... (Barry Cryer's wife's favourite joke)
A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?"
The doctor replies "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say som...
My Grandad is a truly special man
He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.
Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...
...only three more sleeps till Christmas.
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)
*The Glasgow Brothel*
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer so...
I was at the train station.
The woman next to me said, "Is the next train from London to Edinburgh?"
I said, "I doubt it. I don't think trains are that long."
Why can't they just share the hedge?
One of my favourite jokes to come out of the Edinburgh Comedy festival :-)
pint of guiness
On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, the ...
Jesus walks in to an employment office
The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two c...