I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...
We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?" "Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."
The Prince of Wales and the Duke of Edinburgh
The recent death of the Duke of Edinburgh reminded me of the time that Prince Charles went to open a school in Brixton in London. The Prince's speech went well, but people were distracted by his headwear, which was a Davey Crockett-type hat made from fox fur, with the fox's tail hanging down at the ...
Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe
**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**
The gag won 41% of the vote.
## Best of the rest
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh ...
Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....
"One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
THE SCOTTISH BROTHEL...
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. *"May I help you sir?"* she asked.
The man replied, *"I want to see Suzy."*
*"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies ...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes
Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!
1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng
2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle
3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...
"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018
When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.
Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments
An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines
After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.
However, on the way back, he i...
Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.
'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'
'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...
Jokes generated by AI at the University of Edinburgh
I like my relationships like I like my source: Open. I like my coffee like I like my war: Cold. I like my boys like I like my sectors: Bad.
An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh. Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt? "Well have a look" replied the Scotsman. So she leans over and slo...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Hippos, custard and tapas: the 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe
1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.
3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a h...
Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...
...only three more sleeps till Christmas.
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)
A man says to his doctor... (Barry Cryer's wife's favourite joke)
A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?"
The doctor replies "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say som...
My Grandad is a truly special man
He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.
Jesus walks in to an employment office
The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two c...
Why can't they just share the hedge?
One of my favourite jokes to come out of the Edinburgh Comedy festival :-)
pint of guiness
On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, the ...