UPJOKE
tryendeavorendeavouressaytesttrialeffortassayseekattackshotmovechanceintentionstrive

Attempted Jokes

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape, but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

My son and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year. We attempted to weigh a rainbow.

It turns out, it was pretty light.

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition?

Capitol Punishment

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

I attempted suicide today

Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself

What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road?

There was a traffic jam

Have mercy I've never written any humor until now. I've attempted to write a joke about a meta joke.

A meta joke walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"I don't have much time to explain! We're living in a hypothetical reality, both of us, characters in a joke! I tell you this here and now, despite the fact that by all metrics I should not be a sentient or even tangible entity capable o...

I saw an attempted Murder today.

Just 2 or 3 crows; not a full murder yet

Did you hear about the attempted art robbery at the Tate?!

They ran out of fuel halfway through their getaway, and were found two streets away. When they were interrogated, they said:"We didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Attempted theft of my motorcycle

I've just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. Think the piece of shit was after the bike!

My wife must have put up a good fight though because she's lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. (NSFW)

They ran in and said "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night.

He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

If a group of crows is called a 'murder', and two crows are an 'attempted murder', what do you call eighteen crows?

Pretty close to a pandemic in 2020.




(Corvid-18! Geddit Reddit?)

Yeah-yeah I made it up, not sorry... yet...

TIFU. I was heading northbound and attempted a U-turn.

Here's where things went south.

What I told the Ice Cream man when I attempted to rob him with my finger guns.

FREEZE!!!!!!

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

A mans luggage was lost on an airline, so he attempted to sue them.

Turns out he lost the case.

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.