UPJOKE
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At Least Jokes

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

I think my neighbour is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name. At least I think she was...

The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Hopefully at least one more day of these Canada fires...

...I gotta brisket hanging on the porch.

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Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

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Pornhub now requires every user to watch at least one hour of dwarf-MILF content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly stalking you.

That’s the bear minimum.

"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whol...

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During the pandemic, I was using hand sanitizer at least five times a day.

But then my dick turned so red that I had to switch back to lotion.

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

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Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.

That's the bare mini mum.

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

At least little Johnny has manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher respon...

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “My wife masturbates at least 20 times a day. She’s out of control!"

"Never sex with me, only her vibrator. What’s wrong with her? What do you even call that?"

Doctor: “A dick shun”

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

At least we know Kobe was a good dad

He wasn't a helicopter parent.

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

At least I know I can't get an STD from my ex!

It was a KleenEX

Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least

Cool quantum physics fact!

When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!



That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

At least in 4 years

we'll be able to look back at this election with 2020 vision.

I paid a lot of money expecting to be taped to a wall for at least an hour...

It wasn't until 30 minutes in when I realized those guys ripped me off.

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

I definitely think Trump will get at least 270.

But with parole and good behavior, it could be as little as 200.

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party

They planet

I made this one up myself. Hoping it gets at least a chuckle....

Q. Why do Covid-denying men make such poor lovers?

A. Because they're emaskulated.

At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

Password audit

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Keep your friends at least 6 feet apart

... and your enemies closer.

*- Sun Tzu*

If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal

The Lyin’ King

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

At least we can all agree during this times

The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

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I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

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An oldie, but a........ Well, at least it's old

An American soldier on leave in Bangkok has spent all of his time frequenting the local brothels and enjoying many of their girls. After a couple of days he notices a rash beginning to form on his penis. In another day or so, his member is inflamed, swollen and red. Soon it's burning horribly and dr...

I know it sucks but at least i tried

My ex worked at a delivery company but working made her hungry, so i got groceries and *Fed ex*

Well, at least we learned one thing about Trump from his speech this morning...

He can, in fact, read.

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

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They say there’s at least one jerk in every group of friends...

But when my friends get in a circle there’s a hell of a lot more jerks

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"Welcome to porn! Are you at least 18 years of age?"

*inhales cigarette*

"Always have been..."

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Your asshole and COVID-19 have at least one thing in common...

The odds of you making a rushed visit to the hospital increases the more they're spread.

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Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

At least anti-vaxxer parents won't have to worry about the coronavirus

Their kids already died from preventable diseases years ago.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down

Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.

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If you're going to have sex with a frog, at least wear a condom.

If you want him to enjoy it, then rib it.

China's manufacturing has halted but at least they can keep making...

the News.

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

I've had the clap at least 12 times

At this point it should really be called the applause

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At least its thick...

Last night I was making out with this chick when she pulled away for a second and whispered, "Give me eight inches and make it hurt, baby." So, of course, being the gentleman that I am, I stuck my dick in her twice and punched her in the face.

Guys, we should start respecting spiders at least a little

I mean they are great at web design

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Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

My daughter screeched, " Daaaaaad, have you listened to at least one word I've said !? "

what a strange way to start a conversation ...

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?

If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.

At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.

Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

The number of sentient lifeforms in the universe is at least 7.5 billion.

The amount of intelligent life, however, is highly disputed, and some people argue that none have been found.

at least he tried.

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,

“Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”

“That's my business!” she snapped back at me.

“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise,” I responde...

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It's always good to know at least one handjob joke...

...they can really cum in handy.

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

God wanted to make sure that every man would get sucked at least once in his life

So he created mosquitoes

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."

Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

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Working at a factory making huge calculator buttons isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand....

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"

The fisherman s...

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

At least Rosie and Donald can agree on this

They'd both do Ivanka.

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

Everyone has been in the Navy at least once.

We all started out as a seaman

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and better if it vibrates?

A toothbrush

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

I needed a password at least eight characters long

so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long?

They're over two feet

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

I've been asked out at least 20 times more than the average redditor has.

20 times 0 is at least 0.

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

Tomorrow we will finally be able to say, at least for a short while:

Trump hasn't said anything stupid all year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists discover a food proven to lower a woman's sex drive by at least 95%

This discovery has been named "Wedding Cake"

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

This joke is at least 10x dirtier than I thought. . .

Volkswagen

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TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt

That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common

Neither actually happen

Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes?

In fact, they were a tad-pole.

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

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