A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

What do you call a race over lava

A heated competition

Did you know you can actually eat lava?

Only once though.

My kids were playing ‘The Floor Is Lava’ in the living room this morning.

I still don’t know how they got the lava in the house.

''The Floor is lava''

~ Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Is lava wet?

Maybe so but I’m not taking it for granite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

The Floor is Lava would have been a great game

But it has a fatal floor.

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

I lava you

In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava...

They play The Floor is Democracy

Studies show that you can jump into lava.

Once.

Girl, are you a lava lamp?

Cause I could watch you go up and down for hours

Contrary to popular belief, you actually CAN drink lava

but only once

My girlfriend told me that she's leaving because I'm too immature...

Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.

A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room in the supervillain's volcanic lair.

Suddenly alarms start going off all over the place.

Supervillain: "What the heck is going on? Are the sharks with lasers loose again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"

The Henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the flaw is lava."

How did the Hawaiian hipster die?

He walked on lava before it was cool.

What do vulcanologists do when they needs to pee?

Look for a lava tree!

Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the volcano say to his therapist?

Doctor, why is it so hard to LAVA woman?

.

.

.

I'll leave.

How do you calm your erupting girlfriend?

You shower her with lava and affection

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.

The American says:

"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or illegal Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilá the wall is built.

The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:

"Fill it with lava."

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

What would you call Dwayne Johnson if he was from Malta?

Lava, because he would be the Maltan Rock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The devil greets him a days “I’m feeling mighty generous, so I’ll let you decide what you’re going to do for the next 1000 years.” After touring him through the torture chamber and lava pits they come to a grotesque man receiving a blowjob from a beautiful young woman. The man says “Oh yeah, now thi...

Why do the Greeks play classical music by volcanoes?

because of all the Bach lava.

What's the most popular game in Hawaii right now?

The floor is lava!

Tourism and Immigration

A man dies and goes to heaven. After several years in heaven, he gets bored and decides to go on vacation to see Hell.

So he packs his bags and goes on the trip. Upon arrival in Hell, he's taken on a tour. It's the most amazing place he's ever seen: warm, but not hot, the women are beautiful...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

They say Hawaii is the best place to go to feel like a kid again

Right now you can play "The floor is actually lava"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

Why did a hippie head to a volcano?

So he can get himself a lava lamp!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell...

When he walks through the gate he is greeted by a demon. "Hi Steve. Welcome to hell. Since you were only an occasional sinner, you will be allowed to choose your eternal punishment"

The Demon leads him down a dark street. "This is your first option." he says. Steve sees a man being pecked to ...

What's the favorite game played by Hawaiian children these days?

The floor is lava.

What did the affectionate volcano tell the Hawaiian homeowner?

"I lava you."

What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream



Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me

And...

A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights. A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano tha...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Russian, and a Mexican all arrive in hell...

...when the Devil appears before them. He says that to get out of hell, they must each complete three tasks: have sex with a woman 100 times, kill a bear, and drink 100 shots of tequila.

The Frenchman, being French, decides he'll start with making love to the woman 100 times. He starts out we...

A Mechanical Engineer goes to Hell...

One day a mechanical engineer woke up dead, and found himself in Hell, where he was greeted by Satan himself. Satan welcomed him to the place and asked him if there were any questions? After quickly looking around, the ME asked about the really beautiful island out in the lava floe, and asked why no...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Doors in Hell (more than likely repost)

A man dies and is sent to Hell. When he arrives he is met by Satan and told that he will join the other sinners in eternal punishment. He is also told that he has some say in this and has a decision to make as of which of three punishments he recieves. These would be behind three doors, and he would...

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