What do men ànd hardwood flooring have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

My family is so generous...

They installed hardwood in my dining room.
I was floored.

What did the Canadian think of his hardwood flooring?

It was Oak, Eh!

A cat dies and goes to heaven...

God meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.

The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.

God says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a sexy tree give you?

Hardwood.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I originally heard Paul McCartney tell this joke on a YouTube video [long]

It was a while back so it's not a perfect transcript, plus imagine a nice English accent telling the joke, and it was probably posted here before but, here goes:

A man's car breaks down on a winding road far from anything. He notices a gate going up a hill leading to a small bar. He follows t...

Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish." One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this me...

I just got condoms installed on my floor today

it protects the hardwood.

Girl you are like a fine oriental rug...

...you'd look great on hardwood.

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