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Uplifting Jokes

Heard some uplifting news today.

They finally fixed the elevator.

A wonderful uplifting story !!!

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'...

I actually thought the Titan sub implosion was uplifting news [NSFW]

It was the first time in human history a billionaire had killed a teenager in international waters and the only reason they shared DNA was due to being related.

What is the most uplifting flower?

Arose

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

I like elevator jokes

They're very uplifting

My new bank is very uplifting...

I’m $1,000 in debt, but they said my balance is *outstanding*!

I was talking to a crane operator today...

I asked if his job was uplifting....

He told me that it had it's ups and downs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a blind man, it's uplifting when women tell me I have a large penis, but to be truthful...

I just don't see it.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

I watched a documentary about cranes today...

...it was very uplifting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never know what LGBT stands for.

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer.



Last night I dreamt that I was in an elevator that was going super fast toward the sky. Yet, I wasn’t scared

I found it very uplifting

You know Darth Vader actually did get married.

Even though he’s kind of a downer she’s much more uplifting… her name is Ella

Have you heard the one about the woman who was saved from a river by a crane operator?

It’s an uplifting story

My brother works in the garage door business

I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.

He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.

Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.

I hope you found these puns to b...

The best thing about elevator jokes?

They‘re really uplifting.

Say what you want about elevator music...

At least it’s uplifting.

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

My dad met a group of forklift operators today

He said they were very uplifting

I just got hired at the helium factory

I find the job uplifting.

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

What's the best job?

Any job that involves operating a crane. It's seriously uplifting.

Airplane Humor

I'm reading a book about a man who stopped an airplane from crashing.

It's pretty uplifting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old man gets an interview (mildly NSFW).

The old man gets an interview in his village. The interviewer asks his question:

"You lived here for quite some time, didn't you?"

"Ever since I was born! 75 years of my life!"

"All these youre must've gave you some experiences! Can you recall a nice story you witnessed?"
...

I tried posting about UNITED AIRLINES in a sub-reddit. The post was removed.

The sub-reddit was "Uplifting News".

My girlfriend took me bra shopping

It was an uplifting experience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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