Raising Jokes - 31 Hilarious Raising Jokes

Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

What do you call two fat people raising a child?

Unfit parents.

Raising dogs

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few pointers."

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body ...

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

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A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

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Me and my dad has conflicting thoughts on raising chickens.

He likes them because they'd give him a quick buck, but I hate them because they are a bit too cocky.

What do unpaid internships have in common with raising kids?

You get paid in experience.
And you get a “family”.

What’s the difference between raising a child and having a pet?

One of them will actually listen to you.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

After 10 years of raising their child

, the mother notices that the kid looks different.

So, she decided to do a DNA test.

The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs.

She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!".
The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember?...

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

Raising a family is hard.

It's a lot easier if you're a necromancer and they're buried close together.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage?

He doesn’t want things to get too inflated.

If I put self raising flour on it...

Does that mean I still have to pay child support?

How do you become a millionaire raising horses?

Start out as a billionaire

A new breed of sheep have been raising the

Baaaahhhhh

How do you turn flour into self-raising flour?

Kick it out on to the streets

What’s the hardest part of raising unvaccinated kids?

Finding a reliable necromancer.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

Awhile ago I went to the supermarket and bought some self raising flour...

It’s been 6 months and I’m still looking after it!

A young farmer decides he wants to try his hand at raising chickens....

So he goes to the farm supply store where he is approached by an employee. He explains that he's always grown his own vegetables and has plenty of land so he wants to try raising chickens.

The sales associate asks a few questions then recommends a good setup for the young farmer to begin rai...

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

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Mary and Jane are two new mothers and they are chatting about raising baby boys

Jane asks Mary “What do you call that useless bit of skin at the end of the penis”

Mary says “I call it my husband”

Why does Huey Lewis like raising things to the second power?

Because it's hip to be squared

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