UPJOKE
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A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent

He walks up to them and asks “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?”.

The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies “it’s Wales, dumbass!”.

He says “Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?”

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

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What’s a dominatrix’s favorite accent?

Cockney

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Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "what brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot."

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Interesting accents!

3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"

One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"

The bartender ...

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

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(Best read in an Irish accent) So an old man is on his porch..

A young lad is walking up the hill with a roll of chicken wire rolled up under his arm. "What ya doin wi' the chicken wire, laddie?" asks the man. "Oh sir, I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" replies the boy. The man says, "you fool, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!" An hour later, though,...

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

(In Russian accent)

Three men walk up to me and each ask my name, so I kill them together.

A 4th man walks up and asks, "Did you kill all these people? What did they do? What is problem?" So I kill him.

A 5th man walks up and asks"Did you kill all these people?" I say yes. He says, "Why you do this? Did...

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

I made fun of British accents

They called it H Speech

For my next magic trick ill teach you a Irish accent

Say it with me: Ari Po-er an tha cersed chil'

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

"Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

"It's Wales actually."

"Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

A joke about the New Zealand accent.

An Australian tourist visits New Zealand. He decides to go a small town to take in the lush, rural landscape.

He sees a New Zealand farmer walking down the street, carrying a sheep under his arm. Curious the Australian asks, "Are you going to shear that sheep?"

The Kiwi farmer responds...

What do you call a pirate/noble gas that lost the pirate accent

Arrr-gone

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If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

What type of accent does a fish have

Finnish

The Russian President doesnt even have a russian accent...

he's just Putin' it on

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please" Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy


"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

Say “beer can” in a British accent.

No, wait, that’s “Bacon” in Jamaican.

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A joke best told with an accent

I've found that this joke is best told with a Cockney or Australian accent.

So Jim an' Marty are sitting in Marty's livin' room, when Marty exclaims, "Oy, it's feckin' cold round ere. Jim, could you be pal, run upstairs, and fetch me slippers". Jim's says, "yeh, ol' right." and walks upstairs...

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A man has to go to the bathroom.

He enters and finds the only stall occupied.

He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no under...

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

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News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

Imagine this told with a Boston accent...

Why are there 239 beans in every can of Bostons baked beans?

Because if there was even 1 more, they'd be too farty.

What’s a redneck with a British accent called?

An Australian

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask agai...

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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey, FUCK YOU! (Said in a Brooklyn accent)

I'm obsessed with bad jokes about arenas said in a German accent.

You'll understand venue experience them.

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An Asian man goes to rent a car, and the clerk sees the man's name is Herschel Leibowitz

The clerk asks him how an Asian man like himself got the name Herschel Leibowitz. He responds in a heavy accent "When I was going through immigration, we were in a line in the area where we give our names. The name of the man in front of me was Herschel Leibowitz. When they call for me to ask me ...

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, “Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!” The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, “Well I’ll be, by chance do you come from Ir...

So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.

I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"

One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"

So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much else.

(Not mine but had to share) *in a Deep South accent

I like my beer like I like my violence...
...Domestic

A couple walk into a Chinese restaurant and were greeted by an Asian waiter who had an accent.

He escorted them through the restaurant and the couple picked out a table to sit at. But, just as they were about to sit, the waiter said in his accent, "It is forbidden.". The couple asked why was the table forbidden. The waiter repeated, "It is forbidden.". The couple were growing annoyed, but th...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....

out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

Whats the diffrence between LA girls and people with a spanish accent

One rolls their r's and the other rolls their i's

Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them,...

A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotla...

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Must be told in a horrible, thick Italian accent

So I heard this joke a couple of years ago, I think it's much older than that though. Read it out loud in a very bad, thick Italian accent.

So, Vincenzo, my cousin in America invites me to stay with him, so I say, 'Okay, I'va never been to America, I'ma come over.

I get offa da plane ...

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My dad who has a really thick Asian accent just asked me..

Did you see the white *super racist* riot in Virginia? He was trying to say **supremacist**. Honestly, he wasn't wrong tho.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

A Rabbit with a Texan accent hops into a sandwich bar

One day, a rabbit with a strong Texan accent hops his way into a five-star sandwich bar well-known for it's fantastic toasties. He goes up to the vendor, who asks:

"What will you having, sir?"

To which the rabbit replies,

"Ah will be havin' one of your finest cheese an' onion t...

I really need to work on my accent marks

Or else my French grades may be in grave danger.

A woman with a strong accent walks into a bar.

Going in to order a drink, she asks for a beer.
The bartender says "Anheizer Busch?"
The woman says: "Good! And how's your prick?"

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Why do Scotsmen drink so much?

To slur their speech enough to do the accent.

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The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to...

My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent

he's going through withdrawls

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