I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

A guy goes to a hospital and this happens:

He lies down on the bed thingy and waits.
A big black Labrador comes in and sniffs the dude from head to toe. Then, a cat comes in and checks him out. A month later, he gets a bill for $1,500.

"What was this for?!" he said as he was on the phone with the doctor.

"Oh," she said, lo...

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"

Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.

"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

The Ultimate Blonde Joke

A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?'

The cop says, "You know - it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it".

The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hand...

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

Christians only

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Sikh." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Buddhism."
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet ...

If the man who made walkie-talkies named a few other objects:

Laxitives: passy-gassy

Loofah: cleanie-beanie

Ocean wave: wooshy-splooshy

Socks: heaty-feeties

Musical: singy-thingy

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.

Me: IV?

Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

Hemorrhoids

Guy goes to the doctor, has a bad case of the hems.

Doctor give him some suppositories and tells him use them 3 times a day and see him a week later.

A week later he goes to the doctor and the doctor asks how he's been doing.

"Hemorrhoids are worse than ever doc, I used all the ...

An Italian mom visits her son and his roomate in his apartment..

... During supper, his roommate gets up and go to the bathroom and during this time her mother asks: "So, are you in a relationship with her?"

"Ugh!" replies the son, "Mamma, I told you she is just a friend.."

"Mmh Mmh.." says the mom.

The supper ends and all is jolly. A few day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to my local butcher shop...

because they make fucking amazing beef jerkey (peppered) and as I leave the shop with my jerky, I noticed a dog sitting in front of the back door to the butcher shop. I didn't think much of it, dogs like meat so he was probably begging. However I noticed that the dog has a brown paper bag with a not...

The blonde policewoman

A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde for speeding. She asks the blonde, "Can I see your license please?" The blonde says "What's that?"

The policewoman says "Its a wee square thingy, it's got your picture on it."

The blonde rummages around in the glove box, and comes out with a com...

That is one Fantastic Pig!

So a traveling salesman driving through the countryside notices a pig out in the field with three wooden legs. He pulls in and drives to the house where he finds the aging farmer at work in the yard.
He tells the farmer that he noticed the pig and he was wondering about it. The farmer puffs up pr...

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