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Answering Jokes

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a boy was answering all the questions right in class....

Girl: Wow, what a fucking nerd

Teacher: Be nice, he might be your boss one day

Boy: Nah, I don't ever plan on being a pimp

Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?

Yellow?

Shocked that pesky 'Jehovah Witness' lady by answering the door naked..

Not sure whether she was scared that I was naked or I knew where she lived..

What do you call a witcher that's great at answering random questions?

Geralt of trivia.

"I want you to stop answering everything I say with two adjectives. Do you hear me?!" asked my wife.

"Loud and clear," I replied.

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When answering the security question place of birth?

Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

Should I stop answering my own questions?

No.

Answering the phone: Joe's Ho's

We pimp it!

You pump it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you ...

A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.

Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."

Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that pe...

What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Answering Machine At A Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and wh...

I had a job answering the phone for people

It wasn’t for me

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...

"Naked, baby" sounds a lot better than "Naked baby".

I always have a hard time answering "what race do you identify with" questions.

ist is never an option

Don’t you love answering your own questions?

I know I do

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

My wife: 'They're not answering the phones at the mammogram clinic'

They must have their hands full

I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering...

I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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