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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What type of drug can you take if you have an allergic reaction to Rowan Atkinson?

Anti-MisterBeans

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

They say you can't reverse a chemical reaction

But the more bread I eat, the doughier I become.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

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The reactions to the half time show are pretty mixed. I've seen some people say it was the best since Prince and some people say it's the worst since Coldplay. Others have said it was complete ass.

It’s hard to tell what they think.

I'd tell you a joke about inert gases...

...but I don't think it'll get much of a reaction.

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

A man goes to see the priest after his wife passes away

"Father ever since she died I've been wondering what Karen has been up to and where she is. I've heard that you can pray to the Lord to give you a sign or a dream?"

The priest agrees to this and says "I shall let you know as soon as I know something"

Some days pass by and the guy comes...

Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

I think my chemistry teacher might be dead

Today there hasn't been even one reaction from him.

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

This one is from my mom's childhood

One night, a young lad had a little too much to drink. He starts heading home. He is passing through his neighborhood to get to his house. As he walks, he yells, "People!" There is no reaction from the neighborhood, so he yells "people!" louder. No reaction again. Finally, he hollers, "Hey you peopl...

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We need to talk...

A young man had asked his parents to talk one day. He nervously asked them to sit down as he had something serious he wanted to tell them.

"Mom, Dad it's really hard to tell you this but I want to. I'm gay." The son said, looking from one to the other.

"That's fine sweetie. As long as ...

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What is success?

Success is like being pregnant, they all congratulate you at the end but they don’t know how many* times you got fucked to get there.

First time posting on this community, let’s see hear some reactions.

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

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A farmer loses his only cow and is now struggling to makes ends meet.

He has 3 sons who work with him in the fields. Let's call them A, B, and C with A being the oldest and C the youngest.

Later that night, unbeknownst to them, the father walks into the woods to commit suicide but he meets an Angel instead.

The Angel asks, "why are you crying, old man?"...

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel?

Cringing with Babish

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping ...

A Mullah, a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping. While they're setting up their tents, they see a grizzly bear prowling in the distance.
The Mullah says, "I'm going to convert him to Islam." and walks off towards the bear. After 15 minutes, he comes back and says "I read to him from the Koran. Nothing...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

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I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" ask...

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

A cowboy rides his horse into town

He stops at a bar and ties his horse outside. When he is in for a drink the townspeople untie and hide his horse just to see his reaction. When the cowboy comes out, he looks around then shouts "I'm going in for another drink and if my horse isn't here by the time I get out I'm gonna have to do what...

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

i'm trying to teach my dog the basics of physics and we're at "every action has an equal and opposite reaction"

when he pulls on the leash, so do i

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

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Gordon Ramsay's wife

Mrs Ramsay is terrified of asking Gordon to go down on her. You can just imagine his reaction: "YOU EXPECT ME TO FUCKING EAT THAT?!?!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

Most of my jokes get no reaction...

but dismay

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

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At a bar out in Arizona, some guys from the city were having a few beers

when an old, grizzled cowboy rode in on a horse. This guy was classic. Looked like Sam Elliot as he tied up the horse and came in, sat down at the bar and said, "I'll have a whiskey."

The city guys at the table were laughing at the old cowboy, one of them asked, "Is that your horse, or your g...

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

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I told a Chemistry Joke to a class.

But the students were so dumb, I saw no reaction.

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.

Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"

Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was alway...

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

The carrot ice cream

There's a little guy going to the ice cream store of his neighbourhood and he asks:
- Do you have carrot ice cream?
They tell him no, so he leaves.

The next day he goes again:
- Do you have carrot ice cream?
Same answer, same reaction.

Third day he goes again:
- Do you h...

All my jokes are definitely golden

They never cause any reaction.

Have you heard Tom Holland's reaction to the end of Infinity War? ***Spoilers***

***Spoilers***
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.
.
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.
.
.
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.
.
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He was blown away by it!

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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

Surprise

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought ...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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Occupational Reaction

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped scant inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look here, don’t...

The enthalpy change for a combustion reaction is always negative

In other words, fire is hot.

(chemistry joke, hope someone gets it...)

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

What was the mans reaction when he was told he could never talk again?

He was speechless.

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

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School

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain ...

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

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Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

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Johnny [NSFW]

A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny...

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What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

I remember my parent’s reaction when I brought home my first A+ on a test

It was something like “Who’s Lily” and “You aren’t even in AP Biology”

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The woman with the tattooed chest

There was a woman with a very vain boyfriend, so for his birthday, she decided to have a portrait of his face tattooed on her left breast.

The guy is very happy, but a few months later they break it of.

The next guy is a very jealous type, and to stop his complains about her ex face on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

A man was visiting a small and remote village in Austria (long)

But he couldn't find anyone. The whole town appeared empty, except for one building near a church. He entered and it was an enormous and lively room and the whole town appeared to be there. There was beer and food and people seemed to be enjoying themselves a lot.He went to the bar in one corner and...

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

I'll never forget my friends' reaction when we were younger and I told them Santa wasn't real

They said "How the hell have you gone 21 years without knowing this?"

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

I'd post a chemistry pun on here....

But I'm scared I'll get a volatile reaction.

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

Now, that would be the absolute last laugh

I want to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels before I die. Imagine the reaction of the guy that works at the cremation center!!

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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

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Drunked in a pub

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do...

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

i only made this because i could not post in r/memes thanks to my karma being too low

one day i tried to tell a chemistry joke



but i got no reaction

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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting ...

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