UPJOKE
responsebacklashreflexanswerresistancereactrespondtropismchemistrykinesisoverreactioncatalystchemical processfeedbackshock

Reaction Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" ask...

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

What was my reaction when my Lit professor asked me to read "Ulysses" a second time?

I reJoyced!

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Endothermic reactions are cool and all.

But I like exothermic reactions better. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Occupational Reaction

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped scant inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look here, don’t...

This old one always makes me laugh for the reaction

Joke teller: “What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?”

Stooge: “Finding half a worm?”

Joke teller: “Well, I was going to say the holocaust, but okay”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's reaction to Pearl Habor?

He did Nazi it coming

I wanted to get a reaction by make a joke about sodium.

But then I thought: Na.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

“...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

How did Ivanka handle her father’s reaction when she suggested they concede?

She shouted: “No Daddy! Stop! I said *concede* not *conceive*”

What was Han Solo's reaction after eating a Momo?

Hmm... Chewie.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

What are the two reactions you should have when you see a tiger in Africa?

Fear, because it's a *fahkin'* tiger!

And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

What was the dying tree's reaction to a 2nd chance to grow?

Re-leaf.

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

Did you know that Andrew Rea's made a reaction channel?

Cringing with Babish

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

The enthalpy change for a combustion reaction is always negative

In other words, fire is hot.

(chemistry joke, hope someone gets it...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man's wife is in a coma

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they real...

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your butthole closing after you take a poop is the second fastest known reaction in the world

The splash of water that races in is the first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Have you heard Tom Holland's reaction to the end of Infinity War? ***Spoilers***

***Spoilers***
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was blown away by it!

A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar from outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch ...

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

I’m having an allergic reaction, quick, get my syringe!

It’s in that book over there, the Epi-Tome

A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine...

How do you feel?" Asks the fluoride ion.

"Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified?

He was cross.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decided to spice things up in bed with my wife…

… So I finished on her knee. She didn’t take it so well. I guess she had a knee-jerk reaction.

What is the reaction of two Helium atoms when they hear a joke?

He He.

I remember my parent’s reaction when I brought home my first A+ on a test

It was something like “Who’s Lily” and “You aren’t even in AP Biology”

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

I posed naked for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns

Not my precedent

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

Define pregnancy

An ova reaction to sperm

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

A man was caught peeing in public by a police officer. The cop's only reaction was...

"Urine trouble now."

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis jokes! A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz...

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes

I said I was going to do a chemistry joke next, but now I'm afraid of the reaction.

I like to tell Dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

So I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes. It didn’t go over too well, I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes. I was doing to do one about chemistry, but now I’m afraid of the reaction.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.