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Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?


Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.


Friend: Neat.


Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!


Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?


Man: Well, t...

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions”

It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

My New Year resolution is the same as last year..

3840x2160

My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble...

Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending.

(Condescending means talking down to people btw )

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p or 4k.

I have only one resolution for 2021:

To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

What resolution do white supremacists prefer?

3K.

Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution?

Because 3k is racist.

Did you hear about the guy whose New Year’s resolution was to flip over an electric car while test-driving it?

He was turning over a new LEAF.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

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Today I took a dick pic

Thought of sharing that pic on Reddit, unfortunately Reddit doesn't support small resolution images.

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A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

My friend Jack …

… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.


“Oh my god!” he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, “What happened last night?!”


Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to ...

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days.

I realized that it isn’t for me.

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to not do things prematurely.

So far it's going well.

My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was ta...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant.

Roll on 2019

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

I think I'll go old school with my new years resolution this year

800 x 600 it is.

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

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