Resolution Jokes - 69 Hilarious Resolution Jokes

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !

Only 24 pounds to go !

I made a New Years Resolution to drink more water.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

I've made a new year resolution.

I'm going to start doing things on time.

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New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be:

1. Procrastinate more in 2023

But fuck it, I'll do it next year

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

My 2023 resolution is to be more assertive and confident…

… if that is OK for you guys.

What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

What's your New Years resolution?

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

What resolution do white supremacists prefer?

3K.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions”

It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.

My new years resolution

In 2021, I'm going to be more confident and decisive

Edit

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

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A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

I have only one resolution for 2021:

To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?

Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.

Friend: Neat.

Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!

Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?

Man: Well, t...

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

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Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

New Years Resolution

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive.. only if it's okay with you guys?

My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution.

I figure I am going to fuck it up anyway...
I may as well do it from the start.

A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

Her: What 're your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I don't make 1, let alone 2018 of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

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