I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution?

Because 3k is racist.

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

My New Year's Resolution was losing 9kg

15 more to go!

Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

I found a way to solve the Gif vs Jif debate.

Just pray to Jod and Gesus for resolution.

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days.

I realized that it isn’t for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

What resolution is a white supremacists TV?

3K

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

Next January I will only be watching videos on 1080p

It's my new years resolution

My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to not do things prematurely.

So far it's going well.

My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

I just bought an 8K monitor...

It’s quite a lot of money for a 1920x1080 resolution.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple

Everything in 1080p.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My New Year’s resolution is to read more

...so I turned the subtitles on my TV.

My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant.

Roll on 2019

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was ta...

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.

I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.

Progression of the New Year's resolution:

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
E

My first New Year resolution will be

to stop mistyping 2016 instead of 2017

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed.

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😢

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can’t follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

Her: What 're your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I don't make 1, let alone 2018 of them

My wifes New Year resolution is

that I spend more time with the kids

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

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