Resolution Jokes - 69 Hilarious Resolution Jokes

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

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I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !

Only 24 pounds to go !

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I made a New Years Resolution to drink more water.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

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I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

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I've made a new year resolution.

I'm going to start doing things on time.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be:

1. Procrastinate more in 2023

But fuck it, I'll do it next year

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

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My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

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My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

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My 2023 resolution is to be more assertive and confident…

… if that is OK for you guys.

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What resolution does a racist shoot his videos in?

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My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

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What's your New Years resolution?

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

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What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

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What resolution do white supremacists prefer?

3K.

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This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

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My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

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In 2021 I will create a business called “Resolutions”

It will be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.

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I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

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My new years resolution

In 2021, I'm going to be more confident and decisive

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My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

I have only one resolution for 2021:

To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

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My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

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New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

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My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

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A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?

Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.

Friend: Neat.

Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!

Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?

Man: Well, t...

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Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

New Years Resolution

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive.. only if it's okay with you guys?

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My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

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Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

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My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

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My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

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I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

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HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

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For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

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My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

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My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

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My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

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My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

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My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution.

I figure I am going to fuck it up anyway...
I may as well do it from the start.

A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

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My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

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Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

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My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

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New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

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New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

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At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

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My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

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As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

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My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

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It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

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Her: What 're your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I don't make 1, let alone 2018 of them

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

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Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

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I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

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