My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

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Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

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I made a resolution to make no more sexual innuendos....

But it's been hard...so fucking hard....

Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution?

Because 3k is racist.

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?

HDMI

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

My New Year's Resolution was losing 9kg

15 more to go!

Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My New Year's resolution is something my kids often forget

It just goes in one year and out the other.

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days.

I realized that it isn’t for me.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

My new year’s resolution is to procrastinate.

But I will wait till tomorrow to start.

Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

Next January I will only be watching videos on 1080p

It's my new years resolution

What resolution is a white supremacists TV?

3K

I just bought an 8K monitor...

It’s quite a lot of money for a 1920x1080 resolution.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to not do things prematurely.

So far it's going well.

My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple

Everything in 1080p.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

My resolution this year is to stop trolling

So try not to post anything too stupid

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant.

Roll on 2019

I think I'll go old school with my new years resolution this year

800 x 600 it is.

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist

But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was ta...

It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.

I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

My first New Year resolution will be

to stop mistyping 2016 instead of 2017

A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😢

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed.

But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

My New Year’s Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can’t follow through with.

I guess I already failed.

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor

I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

Her: What 're your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I don't make 1, let alone 2018 of them

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