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Anonymous Jokes

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

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Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous.

I'm disappointed that you all came today.

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Why did the cow join Anonymous?

She wanted to be legiondairy.

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Overeaters Anonymous meetings are easy to get in to...

...there's always room for more.

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

I went to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night.

They gave me 3 to 1 odds.

I took it.

Recently I've been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous

... not that they know.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

The Arsonists Anonymous meeting went great last night

They got along like a house on fire.

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I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Hypocondriacs Anonymous

Step 1. Admit you dont have a problem.

There once was a boy named Anonymous...

People always asked him if he wanted to change the name his parents gave him, to which he would always smile and reply,
"No, I wish to remain Anonymous."

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went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

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I went to attend my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting

When I arrived, no one was there. I must've come early.

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

Anonymous hit russia hard, only one service they didn't take down

Njetflix

Asked Why I Came To Gamblers Anonymous

Told them I lost a bet.

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

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Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

Dads Anonymous

Dad: Go on, it's safe here.

Me: Sometimes I don't cut the grass in a pattern.

One dad vomits, another stops grilling entirely

I can't believe I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning..

And they've already made me president.

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

Why did they cancel Kleptomaniacs Anonymous?

Because the sponsor at the most recent meeting asked if anybody wanted to take a seat.

Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS

when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic!

"Let us gradually stand and recognize our newest member of Overeaters Anonymous...

...and welcome him into the folds."

Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.

What's your name?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

Is this Gamblers Anonymous?

You bet!

Yeah, the NRA sounds great, but personally, I prefer Deer Lovers Anonymous.

You get more bang for your buck.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Someone anonymously keeps sending me bunches of deheaded flowers.

I think I'm being stalked.

How many members of Alcoholics Anonymous does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

I hosted an Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting

Nobody came

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

My "Workaholics Anonymous" meeting got canceled...

Everyone had to work late

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous:

Helping people to help themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

Welcome to Existentialists Anonymous.

Can anyone tell me why we're here?

I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.

In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations.

This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

Thank you for calling the anonymous NSA hotline

What would you like to report, Peter?

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[NSFW] A HR employee was sent an anonymous dick pic within the company network

Right away, she called the Packaging Design Manager. The man was shocked. "How did you know it was me?!"

She pointed to the caption on the picture: "Enlarged to Show Texture".

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"

"Yes, Dave."

A friend told me about Procrastination Anonymous

I said I'll go later

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Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting to be held today at 4...

...doors open at 3.

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So I was called today to the HR officer over an anonymous complaint that I've been giving explicit nicknames to some of my female colleagues..

I'm not sure who made that complaint but I feel it might be 'Bitchface Bigtits'

I got rich by creating an anonymous imageboard website.

I made a 4chan.

I think I'm going to create procrastinators anonymous

Eh I'll do it tommorow.

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

What's the best place to find anonymous tips?

A glory hole.

I just joined alcoholics anonymous

I still drink, just use a different name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm happy to invite you to tomorrow's "Masturbaters Anonymous" meeting.

Please come alone

alcoholic alzheimer's anonymous.

No one knows who they are, or what they're drinking.

A Chinese Family had 4 Children Anonymously

They always had to hide the 4chans

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I tried to start M.A (masterbaters anonymous)

But everybody told me to go fuck myself.

I would go to alcoholics anonymous

But everyone already knows

He’s so egotistical he even signs his name to anonymous letters.

Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

"Welcome to Cheapskates Anonymous, would anybody like to start?"

"I'd like to say that I'm not a cheapskate. I'm just here for the free coffee."

Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A?

AA, Eh

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Premature Ejaculators Anonymous, Wednesday at 5:30AM

I'd be there, but there's no way I'd come that early.

Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.

Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving?

Because all they serve is cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I went to an Ass Eater's Anonymous meeting and told them I relapsed..

They really chewed me out.

I tried to start an NA for narcissists...

But no one wanted to remain anonymous.

I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’

I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’

Why do people who like bondage shy away from anonymous one-night stands?

There's no strings attached.

What do you call a nine-sided polygon that wishes to remain anonymous?

anonagon.

If you wanted to stay completely anonymous, which item of clothing would be the worst to wear?

A dress.

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That was like a weekend camping trip for a sex addicts anonymous group.

Fucking intense.

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

What did the Cannibals Anonymous group say to Dave when he showed up an hour late to their weekly meeting?

Nothing. They just gave him the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear about the antique shop owner who liked to have anonymous sex with menstruating women?

Nobody could tell which period his dick was from.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

What does the crime stoppers hot line and a gloryhole have in common?

The tips will always remain anonymous

Went to a journalists house for dinner and he'd put stickers over his ketchup, mayo and tobasco bottles.

Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

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