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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who are stoning a prostitute

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother.”

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs he...

A third grade teacher addresses her class

..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"

She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remem...

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I've seen a LGBT activist publish phones and home addresses of homophobic straight people on the Internet.

Needless to say, I found his approach somewhat heterodox.

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A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"

The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."

A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

“Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!” A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.” The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”

During a military training session, a General with a stern tone addresses a group of young cadets

"If you are captured by the enemy and a beautiful woman walks in to the room, the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut."

Someone from the back of the room asks, "What's the second best thing to do?"

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:



"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"



"But officer, I was just following the speed limit", she says, pointing t...

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

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An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ...

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A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

George W. Bush, Barrack Obama and Donald Trump died and stand in front of God

George W. Bush, Barrack Obama and Donald Trump died and stand in front of God. First, God asks George W. Bush: "in what do you believe?" Bush answers he believes in free trade, a strong America and in the nation. "Very good" God says, "you can sit on my right".

Then he turns to Barrack Obama ...

A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar alone and promptly addresses the bartender.

"A dozen shots of your strongest booze."

The bartender raises an eyebrow and stares him down as he slowly pours his drinks. As soon as the bartender has finished, the man starts pouring the shots down his throat as fast as ...

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A plane is about to crash.

The pilot comes out of the cockpit, and solemnly addresses the passengers.

"The plane is going to crash. There are 286 passengers, but only 285 parachutes. Does anybody know how to pray?"

A minister in the middle row raises his hand.

"Good." The pilot says. "You start praying. T...

It's a glorious Sunday morning...

... and a parish priest is just waking up. He looks out of the window, sees the glorious day, and decides to pull a sicky - he phones the Bishop and says he's not well and can't perform Mass. The Bishop says not to worry, he'll sort things out.

As soon as the Bishop is off the line, the pri...

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One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman...

While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your...

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

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Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

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Three divorced men find a genie

The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."

The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two a...

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset....

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An old rich Corsican is about to die

According to the tradition, the most lazy son inherits all wealth
"Come here, Paul", morigan says
The eldest one comes to him
"Yes, father"
"Imagine you see 500 francs and the wind blows it away. What will you do?"
"I won't do nothing. Why should I tire if there's no need?"
"Good b...

A NFL coach vacationing in Thailand,

Wants to get away from all the game and glamour. So he retreats to a remote village in Thailand. One day, he decides to go watch a local movie.
There are 9 people seated in the small viewing room. As soon as he walks in, they begin applauding, with looks of adulation and starstruck expressions. ...

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An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speak...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

Cannibal Restaurant

Two patrons are sitting one table apart from each other in a Cannibal Restaurant. The waiter comes in and addresses them both:

"Would you both be willing to share a meal? It's around closing time and we're not slated to received anything more until early tomorrow morning. All we have left i...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

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A couple goes into a restaurant...

...and she meets a group of friends, one of them addresses her husband:

Hey John, how are you?

The husband says: "Not well, I'm ill, I have AIDS and the doctor gave me only a few months to live."

Astonished, he just says goodbye.

The woman discreetly says to her husband:<...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the m...

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Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"

The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"

The two women, ...

Smartest Man in the World

An old priest, a boy scout, the President, Bill Gates and the smartest man in the world are traveling in an airplane together.

Without warning, the engines fail and the plane starts plummeting towards the earth. There is one problem: the plane is loaded with only 5 parachutes. Someone will h...

Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The p...

A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."

The blonde looks out th...

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Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caug...

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Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash...

So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die.

They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time.

St. Peter says to the first priest, "I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets....

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

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You bastard

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!...

Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good ne...

Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples.

He rises and addresses them: "I'm the son of God."
"No way!" they say.
"Yahweh."

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Ned vs Ted

Warning: This joke is meant to be told in person to keep friends busy.

On a farm, twin race horses were born, Ned, who was older by 2 minutes, and younger brother Ted. Growing up they trained with each other and pushed each other to be the best they could. The day finally came when they were ...

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I made up a joke about North Korea...

Kim Jong-Un awakes to a beautiful sunrise above his North Korean palace. He calls out to the morning sun. "Good morning, sun!" he shouts.

Incredibly, the sun responds to him. "Good morning, my dear leader!" the sun shouts back.

Later that day, Kim Jong-Un addresses the sun once again...

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

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At a priest's ten year celebration service, a man is due to give a sermon...

Ten years ago a new vicar arrived at the parish. An immensely popular man, he was holding mass on the ten year anniversary, and a man from the village was due to give a sermon.

However, the time for the sermon came and there was no sign of the man. So the vicar stands up and addresses the pe...

Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.

A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-soundin...

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Negotiations

An old, rich, oil tycoon walks into a Texas bar and addresses all the women "who will have sex with me for a million dollars?" After a few seconds a woman stands up and says that she will. The old man replies "good. now will you have sex with me for fifty dollars?" disgusted the woman replies "what ...

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A Trip to the Psychic of Piccadilly Lane

A man driving his morning route spots an old corrugated plastic sign planted in the brown, yet overgrown yard of a decrepit house. The once-colorful sign reads "Psychic readings performed; $20.00 per palm reading, first question answered FREE." The man, intrigued, decides that he could skip his usua...

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Church fun.

A elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a newly wed couple go to their local church to apply to be a members of their congregation .
"all of you would make fine additions to the church" the priest says.."All we ask is that you refrain from from having sex for two weeks. Please come back in t...

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So a fully booked plane is flying over the ocean.

Everyone is comfortably settled in watching a movie, reading a book or sleeping.

Suddenly the cockpit door opens and the captain steps out, with a parachute on his back. Trying to draw as less attention as possible he starts making his way to the back of the plane. But of course the passenger...

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The town busy-body is curious about the local minister and his beautiful young housekeeper...

The talk is that they're having a secret affair, but nobody can prove it.

So Mildred goes to dinner one night to investigate. The house is immaculately clean, and everything seems above board. There is absolutely nothing suspicious going on. The two of them even have separate bedrooms on opp...

European

Its geography day in Mr. Andrew's first grade class. Each student has to stand up and answer questions in front of their peers. Mr. Andrews, who has a very thick southern accent, addresses the first student.

"Beth, would you a-stand up and answer this a-question: what's the a-capital of a-Ru...

It's a busy day at the gates of heaven...

... bombings, cancer, shark attacks—the line at the pearly gates is never short. Old St. Peter, fatigued by his endless service, decides to take the afternoon off for some well deserved R&R. However, after shooing the new arrivals off to limbo for the evening, three men remain in line to enter H...

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Opporknockity, and a short collection of other terrible music jokes

Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hour...

Ancient Roman galley

The whip guy gets up next to the drum guy and addresses the galley slaves.
"I have good news and I have bad news."
"The good news is all you guys get extra bread this morning."
"The bad news is this afternoon the Captain wants to go water skiing."

Kiss and heal

A young couple and another old couple were traveling in a 2nd AC coach train in India. The older couple was allotted the upper berth while the young couple was on the lower one.

Just before going to bed the young man goes over to his wife's berth to give her a good night kiss. While getting u...

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Rabbi Nakayama

A small Jewish community in the north has been waiting for a Rabbi for years. Finally, they get word that the Rabbinical Council found someone, and the entire community goes out to the one-runway airport to meet him. When the plane lands, a Japanese man steps out and tells them he's Rabbi Nakayama. ...

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