UPJOKE
antiqueancientancientlyantiquityantiquarianpaleooldantiquaryoldishcentenarianoldenouldantediluvianoctogenarianelderly

Ancient Roman Jokes

My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.

I for one thought it very funny.

An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.

He sits down and says

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks

The Ancient Roman replies

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair?

Caesars.

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

Ancient Roman galley

The whip guy gets up next to the drum guy and addresses the galley slaves.
"I have good news and I have bad news."
"The good news is all you guys get extra bread this morning."
"The bad news is this afternoon the Captain wants to go water skiing."

What is the favourite game of ancient roman people?

Rock Papers CAAAEEEESSSSAAAAAARRRS.

Ancient Romans believed the 54th birthday was the time to indulge in all your crazy impulses.

You only LIV once.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."

The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.

The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his f...

What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast?

"Hail, Caesar"

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

A man in ancient Rome cannibalises his wife and frames his neighbor Ridiculus.

Ridiculus goes to court and says, "I'm-a in-nocent-a! You have-a gott to beli-eve-a me!" (Ancient Romans sounded like Italians, in case you didn't know.)

They sentence him to fight in the colosseum. Turns out he his quite good at fighting. In no time he becomes the best, and he makes a great ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...

...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.

The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?

The Egyptian and the Greek after st...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.