Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

I've recently taken a course on alarm clocks, but unfortunately I flunked it.

I overslept and missed the exam.

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

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Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

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What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

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Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock

So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock.

Got up in the middle of the night, and couldn't find my alarm clock

Checked the time on my cell phone, it was 4:04. Made sense.

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

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The reddit alien was woken up by his reddit alarm clock

But he wanted ten more minutes of sleep, so he pressed the Snoo's button.

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

Love Versus Marriage

What's the difference between love and marriage?

-Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heav...

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before...

I was an hour late for work

I told them that Russia hacked my alarm clock and now I still have a job for the next two years while my boss
appoints a special investigation to look into it :)

A young man had a dream...

He wanted to be a train conductor. Ever since he was a little boy he had dreamed of it. So, when he graduated, he went straight to Train conductor school.

He studied hard every night, determined to be the best conductor he could be. His alarm clock went off three hours late for the final exam...

Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones?

You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application.

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Zlatan Facts

1. When Zlatan crosses the street, cars look both ways.

2. Zlatan doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair can't grow on steel

3. You can't use 'Zlatan' as your password because it is 'too strong'.

4. Zlatan wakes up his alarm clock every morning.

5. Ghosts sit...

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I ha...

Some Crazy Inventions That Never Got Patented

1. Underwater Hair dryer.
2. A parachute that opens on impact.
3. Non-stick glue.
4. A telescope that makes objects look further than they really are.
5. A microscope that makes objects look smaller than they really are.
6. A solar powered flash-light that only works during the day.<...

Why did the suicide bomber not show up to work?

He got mad at the wrong alarm clock.

This morning i had an eye opening expereince.

Damn alarm clock

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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