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Alarm Clock Jokes

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

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What do a vibrator and a farmer's alarm clock have in common?

They're both electronic replacements for cocks.

My wife is jealous of my alarm clock.

It is the only thing that can get me up.

To get an alarm clock to go off, you must turn it on

I operate in the same manner

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

Alarm clocks make everyone wake up angry

Before they were invented everyone was woken up with delight

This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock

wake up people

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

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What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler.

(Hang in there fellow parents)

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?

It was to dam early.

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Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

What is the worst kind of alarm clock?

The rumble strips.

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

I put your name on my alarm clock...

every time I wake up I get to smash you

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

My alarm clock isn't in a good mood...

It just went off on me

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

I asked my wife to set the alarm clock for six ...

She asked “why six? There‘s only the two of us here.”

(hat tip: Spike Milligan)

This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again

One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.

That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.

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A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock

but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

The wife wanted me to last longer in bed...

So I turned the alarm clock off

Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones?

You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application.

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

Why did the suicide bomber not show up to work?

He got mad at the wrong alarm clock.

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I ha...

I was an hour late for work

I told them that Russia hacked my alarm clock and now I still have a job for the next two years while my boss
appoints a special investigation to look into it :)

This morning i had an eye opening expereince.

Damn alarm clock

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before...

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Zlatan Facts

1. When Zlatan crosses the street, cars look both ways.

2. Zlatan doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair can't grow on steel

3. You can't use 'Zlatan' as your password because it is 'too strong'.

4. Zlatan wakes up his alarm clock every morning.

5. Ghosts sit...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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