I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked,

I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

Abraham went out to get the mail, to his dismay, there wasn’t any mail, this confused Abraham as

There usually Ishmael this time of day

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

Russian Conductor

(TL;DR at bottom, it's a long joke)

So a Russian train engineer is barreling down a track, and doesn't slow down for three people crossing, killing them instantly. He gets the electric chair as punishment. For what should be his last meal, he asks for a banana. He gets his request, and is ele...

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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Costume party

The hostess sends out an invitation for a costume party: "Come dressed as an emotion!"

The first guest shows up wearing a pink lycra costume with just some tassels around the private parts. The hostess asks : "What emotion are you?" The guest replies : "I'm tickled pink!"

The second ...

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

An unethical young scientist finds a frog on the side of the road



He takes it in for studying and sets it on his desk. The scientist prods the frog and tells it to jump. The frog leaps an astonishing 3 feet 8 inches into the air.

The scientist takes one leg off the frog, and then pokes it again, yelling "Jump". The Frog needs no further telling and ...

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...

but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creatu...

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

A young man walks into a convenience store

He opens up the beer cooler and grabs a six pack. An old man standing next to him gives him a look, and the young man says "how much do you want to bet they'll sell me this beer even though I'm not twenty-one?" The old man says "they even check MY ID here. Twenty bucks."

"You're on." The youn...

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The Farmer

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant b...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a fruit punch.

The waiter says that he will have to wait in line.

The man looks everywhere, but to his dismay there is no punch line.

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

A man who has been brought up elsewhere, returns to his ancestral village.

He had heard tales that the average IQ of the people of his village was pretty low, and so he wanted to find out for himself.

Near the outskirts of the village, he saw a man atop a branch of a tree imitating a racecar.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Don't disturb me, I'm in a ...

Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road ...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”

No...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the bi...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

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Cross-eyed Cow

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly wh...

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one...

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My...

The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

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A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down.

He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.

"Damn it ...

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

The doctor called me into his office today looking unsettled.

I asked the doctor why he looked so dismayed. He looked at me and said “I have bad news and worse news”. I boldly looked him in the eyes and told him to inform me of the issue. The doctor replied “You have 29 hours to live”. To which I uncomfortably asked what the worse news was. The doctor replied ...

A man looks across the restaurant and sees a beautiful woman...

He keeps stealing glances at her throughout his meal. Just as he is about to finish eating, the woman lets out a giant sneeze...and a huge POP sound echoes throughout the dining room. Seeing a blur, the man instinctively reaches out his hand and grabs something.

It's the woman's glass eye....

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A man walks into a bar (LONGish?)

And walks straight to the counter to order a drink. Sitting down, he grabs his drink and starts up some casual talk with the bartender. After about five minutes, he pulls out a miniature piano. The bartender is understandably confused. After asking about it, the man replies, “watch this” and proceed...

A husband and wife attend the same fair every year for 50 years

Every year the husband asks his wife if they can go on the helicopter tour for $50 and she says no, because $50 is $50.

On the 50th year at the fair the husband is arguing with his wife about going on the ride and she gives him the same response: "no, $50 is $50."

This year the pilot ...

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

Most of my jokes get no reaction...

but dismay

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When a young Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Music Appreciation class...

each student was asked to give a presentation as their favorite composer. Being a huge fan of Mozart, Arnold was very excited to turn in his request. But much to his dismay, the teacher told him "Unfortunately, someone else already chosen to be Mozart."

To which Arnold replied, "No worries......

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White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna b...

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

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Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

There once was a man who really loved tractors

He had tractor everything, shoes, socks, clothes, he drove a tractor everywhere anything he could have tractor theme he had. One day he got a invite to an exclusive tractor fair for three days in a different country. He arrives promptly to airport the first day to catch his flight as he's waiting f...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

Little Johnny Back Again...

This time, little Johnny's mother had been noticing that his math grades had been steadily declining. She decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up.

The next quarter ended- Johnny's re...

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”

“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman, waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking t...

Saint Peter takes a lunch break

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help sa...

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

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A blonde woman boards a plane to Las Vegas

She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant walks over and politely informs the lady that her seat is in the economy class, and that she has to move back there.

To the fight attendant’s dismay, the lady refuses. She says,“I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here for the flight....

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An Iranian Joke: Tranlated

A man was laying on his death bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand.

He was dismayed about his wife being with another man. He knew that this was probably inevitable but he wanted to hear it from her. He asked, "wife, do you think that when I am gone you will marr...

The Broccoli Joke

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce aisle, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found. So she finds an employee stacking shelves and asks the guy where she could find some broccoli. The guy tells her that they were current...

when is the next time you will feel concerned and distressed about something?

Dismay.



Just thought of it... Sorry, I'll show myself out.

During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.

After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a...

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Dave and his blunt

Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself o...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

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Bob forgot his wife's anniversary

His wife is pissed as hell. She is so pissed, in fact, that she says, "I want to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in 60 seconds or I'M LEAVING YOU!!!" She runs off to go to work.


Bob is extremely worried. His family didn't have that much money in it anyway because they were in great ...

Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg, turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noise...

The Devil goes to check on his prisoners.

The devil is checking on all of hells prisoners. So he walks by the first cell, this cell has two Americans in it. "Please, please turn down the heat!" They cry as the devil laughs to himself "good, good." The devil then stops at the second cell, this cell holds two Canadians. These Canadians are lo...

Please rate my absolutely horrendous joke

So, two detectives of the NYPD are investigating a murder, and have three suspects:
Bob,
Archibald,
Mark.

Bob being the prime suspect, and Mark being the least suspected of the three.

They take Bob into the interrogation room hoping for a quick and easy confession. However, ...

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

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The Fowl Mouthed Parrot

A woman brought home a parrot from the pound, and discovered, to her dismay that he loved to swear like a sailor.

One day, after being called a juicy bitch one time too many, she grabbed him, and threw him into the freezer, in order to teach him a lesson.

After a few minutes, she opene...

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen ato...

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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.

He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a magical bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.

So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself behi...

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

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An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.

The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
<...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.

The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”

“Ye...

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

A man walks into the vet with his dog in his arms... [Long]

He brings the dog up to the counter and says "I need to see a vet, my dog won't wake up!" So the secretary brings him to an inspection room and he says the same thing to the vet "My dog won't wake up, he's been like this since yesterday!". The vet inspects the dog and can conclude only one thing. "S...

A man is watching a baseball game in a crowded stadium

When suddenly he hears someone yell from behind him “HEEYY BOB!” So the man turns around, and scans the crowd behind him but doesn’t see where the call came from, so he continues watching the game.

Shortly after, he once again hears “HEEYYYYY BOB!!” So he turns around again, scanning the crow...

Two Mohels and a Vicar are playing cards

So, two mohels and a vicar are playing a game of cards. And somewhere along the way, they get into an argument -- as they always did -- about who among the three should host dinner that night. You see, they're all very passionate dinner hosts.

One of the mohels says "You should come to my ho...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

Fred got on a train

Fred got on a train. Across from where he sat down was a man who kept flinching. Eventually he asked if there was something wrong that he could help with. The man replied, "oh don't mind me, it's just a nervous tic I picked up in Afghanistan where I served for 6 months." Fred tried not to be irrita...

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Cant Sex Today

Husband Climbs On The Bed Naked Wanting To Get Really Saucy With His Wife.

To His Dismay, The Wife Told Him That She Has Headache.

The Husband Then Got Off Bed Went To The Kitchen And Came Back.

Then Told Her, “Okay, I Have Powdered My Dick With Aspirin. You Want To Take It Oral...

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Legacies are a funny thing

I was visiting my grandparents in Italy and one night I sat down with my grandfather to ponder life. After several drink my grandfather brings me to the terrace and points out over the city.
He says to me “John, legacies are a funny thing.”
He points over to city hall “John do you see this b...

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