UPJOKE
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Appal Jokes

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

An Arabic family moves to Ireland.

This joke is nsfw, it’s very much a joke an older person would tell. it was told to me awhile back so I might have skimmed past a few details.

On their child’s first day in his new school the teachers asks him his name.

“Mohammed, miss” the boy answered.

The teacher being very ...

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It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled.

You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead.

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

It's appalling that despite advances in Science, the constant media circus has made us insensitive to the fact that every minute...

Sixty seconds pass away

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Saw something appalling at the gym today!

Someone put their water bottle in the Pringle’s holder!

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

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A man goes to the doctor and the doc says

“Everything is great! But there’s just one more thing that I need you to do”
The man replied “well what is it?”
The doc says “ I need you to go home and ejaculate in this bottle. We just need to look and see if everything is ok downstairs. Come back tomorrow with the bottle ”
So the man c...

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Emotional Party

Myself and my friend went to a fancy dress party. You needed to dress as an emotion. We went to the supermarket and I got a pear and put my dick in it while he got some custard and did the same. When we got to the fancy dress party the host was appalled and said we had completely missed the point. ...

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus…

I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

Mario, Wario and Luigi went to northern Norway to visit Father Christmas.

Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. Wario read a big book about Father Christmas. Mario read a big book about Scandinavian languages.

They had a great time meeting Father Christmas and visiting the workshops, where they spent a little time watching the elves doin...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

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A man stops at a car dealership

He's appalled at the cost of vehicles. He moves from the new lot to the used lot, but the prices are still out of his price range.

A sales man walks by and asks if he can help. The man explains his situation. In response the man motions for him to follow. They walk around to the back and fin...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing...

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

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A tourist is walking through an isolated village in India

As his walk progresses, his stomach starts to gurgle and his butt puckers like the mouth of an infant who was cruelly given a lemon.

He looks around for a place to privately relieve himself. He sees an outhouse and rushes inside. In the outhouse is just a short divider wall to lean over and...

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

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Man Walks Into a Hospital

He goes to the reception and the receptionist asks: "how can I help you, sir?"

The man says "I need to see a doctor"

Receptionist: "Okay, and what problem are you having?"

The man says: "It's my willy"

The receptionist, shocked and appalled, lambasts him: "Sir! Do not say...

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.

The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

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WW2. An Italian bishop is visiting a cloisters shortly after the liberation of the country...

He meets with the mother superior and asks her how she and the nuns did during the nazi occupation.

"Oh it was terrible, father. First came the fascists and violated all, but sister Rosa. Then it was the Germans, and they too violated all, but sister Rosa. Then came the partisans ...

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A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"

Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, do...

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A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly.

The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

At a bus stop near the center of town

An elderly woman gets on the bus and takes a seat behind two old Italian friends engaged in conversation.

"How was your night last night, Tony?"

"Ah Giuseppe, it was a a-wonderful night-a a last-a night-a."

" You see, Emma a-come first, then I come a-next. Then our two asses a...

I told my family we're eating vegan tonight

I don't know why they seemed so appalled. They're acting like this is the first night we're eating steak.

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

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Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.

Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.

The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"

Jo...

John and Manfred were sitting at a bar when they both saw a man walk in...

After the man entered a huge crowd stormed into the bar, causing the man down on to the floor and trampling him as they walked in.

John, thinking the situation was a good time for a joke said to Manfred: “What do you call a man that lets people walk all over him?”

Manfred was appalled ...

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Family of three were watching TV on evening.

The young son was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, fiddling with a yogurt packet. He couldn't get the lid off.

"Stupid fucking yogurt," the son muttered while he was struggling with the yogurt lid.

The mother was appalled, knowing that her husband too has a horrible mouth. Sh...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.

A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"

The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man

The man says that the lady should not hav...

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:

"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most im...

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A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs

So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala go...

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Two Catholic priests were standing at the urinals.

One priest looked over at the other and noticed he had a nicotine patch on his penis. Shocked and appalled, he exclaimed, "That's not where a nicotine patch goes!"

The other priest looks back, smiles and says, "I don't know about you but I'm down to two butts a day."

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Dying wish!

A billionaire was dying and wanted to take atleast some of his fortune with him! He asked his priest, doctor and lawyer to help.

Before his coffin is to be lowered into the ground they were each instructed to throw 3 million dollars into the coffin.

At his funeral the priest comes for...

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

Little Susie

Little Susie came home from school one day and shouted "Mom! Mom! I made $5 today!" Her mother asked "How did you do that, Little Susie?" Little Susie said "I was walking home from school when a man offered me $5 to climb a pole!" Her mother was appalled and said "Little Susie, don't do that! That m...

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

A young woman is sitting on a train

When two old Italian men sit across the aisle from her. She couldn't help but to listen in on their conversation, and she was absolutely appalled by what she heard. One main said to the other, "Emma come-a first. Then I come. Then two asses, they come-a together. I come again. Then the two ass...

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Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

Bar Contest

So a guy who's new in town walks into the nearest water hole. As he walks in he see this huge jar full of ten dollar bills. Curious, he asks the barman what its all about. 
"If you can complete three challenges you win the whole jar." 
The guy thought there must have been thousands in th...

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Abomination!

A recently ordained Irish priest was traveling to his new parish. As he drove down the lane, he saw a man in a ditch screwing a sheep. The young priest shuddered, offering a prayer, and crossed himself.

A few miles down the road he saw another man in the fields also boffing a sheep. Appalled ...

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

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The Expensive Prostitute

Man walks into a bar, sees a pretty woman and strikes up a conversation, discovers she's a prostitute. He says, "I've never done this before but what the hell, how much for a hand job?" She says $500. He is appalled, "$500?! How is that possible?" She says, "Do you see that mercedes outside? That's ...

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

Caught by a local tribe.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that...

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A man walks into a hotel with his family...

...and talks to the receptionist.
After checking in their reservation, his family starts walking toward the elevator to unpack their luggage in their room. The man stays behind to ask a question.

"Hey, is the porn here disabled?"

Then receptionist looks appalled and harshly replies ...

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks...

A kindergarten class came back inside from playing at recess

The teacher likes to ask the kids what they did with their free time so he starts with Mary. "Mary, what did you do at recess today?" Mary said that she played in the sandbox. The teacher says, "that sounds like a lot of fun! If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." Mar...

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A nun and golfer are old friends and decide to have a game of golf.

On the first hole the golfer narrowly misses his target an yells "Shit! I missed!"

The nun is appalled and tells the golfer she does not approve of his bad language.

On the next hole the golfer again misses narrowly and again shouts "Arrrgh Shit! I missed!"

The nun warns him th...

A step to far

Bill Clintons and George Bush go out for lunch when the waitress comes over to take the order she's a bit flustered and has to say that she was a big fan of George when he was in his chair as president and she voted for him and she supported him the whole way she said I'll be right back to take your...

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Back in the Days Of the Empire, a missionary came to the aborigines.

He was picked up at the dock and driven to the church. After a short distance, he saw a native vigorously violating a kangaroo. He was stunned.

After another short distance, another man doing the same. He was shocked.

Another distance and there was a one-legged man, masturbating, le...

Two kids are headed down to the breakfast table...

...when one says to the other:
"Let's pretend we're adults and swear like grown-ups."

They hurry down to the breakfast table where they're greeted by their mother.

"Do you want some Cheerios for breakfast?" she asks one of the boys.

"No I don't want any damn Cheerios!"...

Little billy came home from school one day with his school report.

When his dad saw the report he was livid, it was appaling. He said "right Billy my lad this is terrible if this doesn't improve by the end of this year I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you!" So Billy tried really hard he really gave it his best shot but the reports remained execrable the year ...

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Damn Potatoes

A pastor comes home and asks his wife whats for dinner. "Damn Potatoes" she replied. Appalled at his wife's language, the pastor says "Theres no need to use such foul words to describe dinner dear." She later explains that the brand of potatoes is called 'Damn Potatoes' and they both have a good lau...

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The hospital is being audited

The auditor, accompanied by the hr manager, visits one department after another, until they reach a room where the nurses are giving hand jobs to the patients. The auditor is appalled and demands explanation. The hr manager explains that the patients in this area suffer from a condition which demand...

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon.

an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers are hacking through their sacred forrest. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:

"how dare you cut t...

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An old man went to the doctor's clinic where he was stopped by the receptionist

"Good evening sir, how are you today?"

On receiving nothing more than a grunt in return, she continued, "And how may we help you today sir?"

"There's something wrong with my cock!" The old man proclaimed to a room full of patients.

The receptionist was fairly appalled by this ex...

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A dirty hippie gets on the city bus

He finds an open seat and sits across from a nun.

Looking at the nun he finds her extremely attractive and says "I would like to have Sex with you"

Appalled the nun gets up and gets off the bus at the nearest stop.

The bus driver notices this and says to the hippie "I know ho...

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Well, turn it around

A young man walking down the street sees a street vendor selling apples 1 for $5. Appalled at the price he stops and inquires about the over priced fruit.

“What’s so special about these apples?” Asked the young man.

“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side tast...

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A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

The Passion Camel

A young man decides to join the foreign legion.

When he arrives at the fort In the middle of the desert he is shown around by the sergeant.

"Hello recruit, this is where you will sleep, this is where I sleep, you eat over there.. and that shed over there, that's the Passion Camel"
...

A snail goes into a Porsche dealership...

He calls the salesperson over and asks what is the most expensive car he has on the lot. The dealer takes him over to look at the Panamera Turbo. The snail, without any hesitation says he wants it. "I will buy it under one condition," says the snail. "I want a big Black S painted on the hood, th...

Job Application Humor

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Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

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Three Little Boys...

come down stairs for breakfast a 10 yo, a 7 yo, and a 5 yo.

Once they all get seated at the breakfast table, their mom asks the 10 yo what he wants for breakfast. He thinks for a minutes and says “I’d like some fuckin french toast, mommy!” Shocked and appalled the mother says “Go to your roo...

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Teacher asks students to use incompletely in a sentence

A teacher asked the students to use incompletely in a sentence. One student raises her hand and says " my homework is incomplete". The teacher says " close but I said to use incompletely". Little johnny raises his hand but knowing little johnnys tendencies the teacher was afraid to call on him. ...

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Once, a kindergarten boy had to count to five

The class teacher assigned this boy to count to five the next day. When he went home, he asked his mother, who was talking on the phone:

"What is one?"

His mother replied, "be quiet!"

Then he went over to his brother, who was watching cartoons and not paying attention.

He...

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Elevator Ride

A man is standing in an elevator when a woman walks in.

As the elevator begins to descend the man asks “Ma’am, can I smell your pussy?”

Appalled, the woman screams “Absolutely not!”

The man replies “hmm, must be your feet that smell.”

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

A guy goes to a Rabbi

and complains "You wouldn't believe what happened to me. Somebody stole my bicycle from synagogue."
The rabbi is appalled. He can't believe it. He offers a solution to catch the thief. He says " Come to synagogue next week and sit in the front row. As we go on with the 10 commandments, turn aroun...

Ginger the baker

Once upon a time, in a very, very small town, there was a baker who was named Ginger. She was a very modest person, and not only was she humble, but also very soft spoken and kind. She was famous in the town for her baked goods, especially her cakes.

One day she was experimenting and created...

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Best Jokes

Edit: I would like to see what anyone else has. Lets keep this going with the best Joke you know. I will get this started with this gem




This guy goes to alaska to get a job drilling oil. The put him in this little ass mining town with about 50 other dudes. He goes into the loca...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first cattle drive. He notices a small flock of sheep with the cattle but thinks nothing of it. After a few weeks on the trail, he was watching the herd one night when he notices a drover go to the flock of sheep, pick one out, and take it over a hill. He brought...

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Student Nurse

A nurse had to look after a very weak old man at a hospital. One day she came in the room he is in to see how he was doing. The old man, with his frail old hand partially lifting the mask on his face asked the Nurse in a somewhat muffled voice, "Can you please (mumble mumble) check to see if my (m...

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Thibodeaux and Pedro playing Golf

Thibodeaux and Pedro are playing golf. Pedro tees off first and his shot sails past the fairway and down into a patch of buttercups. Pedro goes down and starts rooting around in the buttercups. After 10 minutes he starts getting frustrated and starts swinging away with his clubs. Pedro is tearing up...

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