Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...
And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?
No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.
'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum
Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turn...
A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time
"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"
"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.
"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."
"You ...
A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...
My problem might need addressing...
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....
"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"
As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father
I mean, it's a little apparent.
In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;
"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."
Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”
The vacation in Thailand
Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.
For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...
My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...
... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...
The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)
This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:
Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...
An Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation
He was vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"
Grizzly old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, f...
A doctor was addressing his first year med students on their first day working with cadavers...
The doctor at the head of the class told them, "In order to make sure you all have the right stuff to become medical doctors, please do exactly as I do".
.
The doctor then made an incision into the abdomen on the body before him and waited until all of the students had done the same. ...
General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."
His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news...
Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....
The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”
He continued, “A...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
How can I improve this joke I wrote?
A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.
She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the remaining man, "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Mahatma Gandhi's sass
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...
Three men stand before a judge.
What crime did you commit?” He asks the first one.
“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, “he replies.
“That doesn’t sound so bad. “ the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, “What crime did you commit?”
“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at...
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