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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

Morning habits: everyday I have to pee at 6am

Then I wake up and get ready for work

My wife has a funny habit.

She sucks at vacuuming.

I've really dealt with my procrastination habit in this quarantine

Now, I'll start working on my stuff as soon as this is over.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money...

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

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Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.

"Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."

About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."

In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the set...

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

It’s ok to kiss a nun

As long as you don’t get into the habit.

=======================================

(Apologies if this is a repost. One of my favorite jokes. I’ve never seen it here, but for all I know it’s reposted regularly.)

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

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THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

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Two nuns are driving through the Irish countryside

It’s a nice Sunday afternoon, so they’re going pretty slow, just enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden a man comes running across the road screaming. So the nun driving slams on the breaks, and the man jumps on the windshield and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs.

One of the nuns...

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There was an old man named Mr. Habit who died of a viagra overdose.

I guess old Habits die hard.

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My girlfriend got annoyed with my habit of giving my penis nicknames, and left

Guess it's time to take Matters into my own hands now.

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

I knew a nun once who was addicted to wearing clothes a third of her size.

I never could figure out how she got into the habit.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical s...

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

The Nuns robes

The Nun had tried ever so hard to change the colour of her old robes but to no avail. I guess old habits dye hard.

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

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My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

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Once there was an American bus driver with a terrible habit.

Every time he saw an old lady approach the bus, he’d jingle his bell and vroom away just as they put one foot on the bus, leaving them to die on the pavement. Now, after a few months of him doing this, he was caught and sentenced to death. They put him in the electric chair, booped the button, and n...

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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I lost my virginity in a Nunnary

It was a tough habit to break.

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King and Horny queen

Medieval time story, there used to be a king who was always out of the palace fighting enemies. Queen used to get horny in the absence of king and started having nonstop sex with courtiers and soldiers of palace.

Soon this became a habit for queen so much that she started having affairs even...

I want to start an online donation website for my cocaine and hookers habit.

I'm going to call it GoBlowMe

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

My friend once told me he doesn't like my habit of making jokes about murdering people.

Interesting choice of last words.

I recently got together with an old friend who had become a nun. I asked her "how do you get used to that... that... headgear?"

She said "habit"

My dog had an habit of chasing people on a bike.

It got that bad that I had to take the bike off him.

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

A teacher is interviewing her class on their daily habits

- Teacher: What do you do all day, James?
- James: Well I wake up, have breakfast and then go to school. After school finishes I head back home, have dinner and hit the sack.

Glad that James has a normal, healthy day, the teacher encourages him to keep it up and moves on to the next studen...

Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing?

They’re repelled by force of habit.

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My ex-girlfriend had a habit.

She always used ‘seriously’ when she tried to emphasize something.
“Seriously, it’s so funny!”
“Seriously, I’m so pissed off”
“I’m so excited, seriously”


“I love you”

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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The Australian government sends a civil servant to gather data about the habits of a remote Aboriginal tribe

The civil servant asks a tribesman a series of questions about his life and eventually the matter of personal hygiene comes up.

\- How often do you wash your penis?

\- "Penis"? What's a "penis"?


Thinking this is the quickest way to explain, the civil servant drops his pants ...

Horse walks into a bar

Just wanted to tell you guys about the origin of walks into a bar jokes.

Bartenders are widely known as compassionate men who listen to each man who walks into the bar. So they'd begin with "why the long face?" and make each man speak. But one day a horse walks into the bar and the bartender,...

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

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My wife always gets mad whenever she’s on top during sex

It’s a force of habit every time I fuck up.

What part of Northern Canada is habitable?

Nunavut.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

i got the job

Employer : soo do you have any habits we should know about?

me : eem i do crack

Employer : you do crack?

me : i do crack a joke now and then..

Just remember - An annoying song about a Lions nocturnal habits.....

.... is never more than ‘A Whim Away....’

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

The church started giving their tailors stimulants to increase productivity

Its okay, they're nun habit forming drugs.

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Little Johnny’s class is learning about good sleeping habits.

The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.

Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.” The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - th...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food...

Yesterday, I had a sandwich named "Michael".

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

My parents are really against my candlemaking habit.

One day, I came home, and saw that they had thrown away all of my parrafinalia.

What’s the best way to practice safe eating habits?

By using condiments.

True story! My wife wasn't happy...

I was at a store with my son and wife, so I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catch it. Then my son saw me doing it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, give me that! It's really expensive!"
<...

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Apparently Ive got a bad habit of correcting myself at the wrong moments

I think *edit: spelling* that's bullshit.

Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"

The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."

An...

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Animals kicking their habits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

This farmer was telling me about how good his sheepdog was at maths

"Watch this" he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two?" And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?" And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good" I replied "but he's a little over." "Yeah" answered the farmer "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up."

I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die...

White man always leavin' me hanging

A two-dollar ...

Back in the old days, a traveling salesman got married and had leave on a sales trip the next day. After he got back, his friends noticed he was looking very worried and asked him what was the matter. He said that he and his wife had a good time just after he returned, but, without thinking and ju...

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

My friends say that too much of today's news can be discouraging--they say my habit of constantly reloading the CNN app will make me depressed.

but I think it's refreshing.

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

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Driving habit..

One day a guy was driving with his 5 year old son and beeped his car horn by mistake.

The boy turned and looked at him for explanation.

He said," I did that by accident."

Boy replied " I know that , daddy."

He replied, " how do you know that?"

The boy said," Becaus...

My friend has a habit of dropping things.

It's getting out of hand.

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I finally talked to my therapist about my 5 bottle a day seltzer habit.

She diagnosed me with Buy Polar Disorder.

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So I walked into a pub yesterday

I immediately asked the manager if I could be served by the most attractive staff member he had working there.

A lady wearing a habit and a cross round her neck with a name badge saying 'Sister Janet' came and poured me my beer.

I shouted to the manager: "excuse me is this really the s...

It’s OK to kiss a nun,

but, don’t get into that habit .

I've decided to get help with my drug habit.

I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

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What do you call a person who is being very unclear about their eating habits?

A vagueatarian

Crashed another nuns-only party.

Don't know why I can't get out of this habit.

A friend of mine was finally able to kick his painkiller habit.

Now he's OxyClean.

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits...

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits, so they took him to the zombie pediatrician.

“I don’t understand what’s going on!” Mrs. Zombie complained. “We’ve been trying to get him to start harvesting and eating solid brains, but he’s doing it all wrong.”

Mr. ...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

I knew an amateur boxer with a coke habit.

He kept his stash in his headgear because he thought it would soften the blow.

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My doctor advised me to watch my bad habits..

... so I now produce child porn.

Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

Did you hear about the dry cleaner that opened next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the mother superior if she had any dirty habits

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