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My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

Two things that I don't like about myself are procrastination and the habit of forgetting things.

But the good thing is that I don't procrastinate.

Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

Just a heads up: I have this weird habit of quoting Elton John's "Your Song"...

I hope you don't mind.

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of

resting before you get tired.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

My neighbours said they wanted to talk to me about my bad home security habits.

So I said “Sure, my door is always open”

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.

My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering t...

One good tern deserves another

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.

Exposur...

German, American, and Russian discuss their traveling habits.

The German says: "We have very well developed railways, and when going to a neighboring country we take the train."

The American then goes: "Well, my country is very large, and traveling on a train is not efficient. When we are traveling to a neighboring county we fly in a plane".

The ...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

Why wouldn't a nun walk around in a bikini?

Because it's a bad habit

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting ran over by the horses

An Accountant's secret to success.

An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.

The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.

So one day, w...

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

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Did you hear about the nun who started watching porn?

She regrets picking up the habit.

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

John constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism…

No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even John could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,...

Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit?

Take up plumbing

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

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A bear got the habit to steal mead from one bee-garden

Owner doesn't know what to do: as soon as he gets the gun out, bear climbs to a large tree and can't be reached. One day beekeeper sees advertisement in a local paper: will help with any animals. He calls the number, and over an hour hefty man arrives with a shovel and tiny white dog. This is Snowfl...

As a rule, I don't drink.

But, as a habit I do.

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Mice go to heaven

Three mice die and go to heaven. At Peter meets them at the gates and ask “Have you been good little mice?”

Mice: “Yeah, yeah! We’ve been good little mice! Eating cheese and doing all the things good little mice do!”

St. Peter: “Ok, go on in.”

A week later, St. Peter checks in w...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

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Shopping Habits

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky...

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

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Octopus sitting

So my friend was going away for the weekend and he has a pet octopus. He asked if I would look after it while he was gone and I agreed.

So I go over, and he explains what to feed it and when. How to keep the tank clean, keeping it stimulated, those kinds of things. And then he hands me a spad...

Heard of the nun that stole a fortune to fund her gambling habit?

The first clue probably should have been that she spent a fortune on a habit specifically for gambling.

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My wife says she’s leaving cause of my disgusting habits

I almost choked on my fucking toenail!

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits

They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

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I have a habit of reading when I am travelling via train.

This one journey I was reading *Mein Kampf*.

Suddenly this one lady in the cabin caught sight of the title and immediately started a ruckus. She snapped at how inappropriate it is for someone in the modern age to read that regressive book. She even went on to call me a Nazi and continued rebu...

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

My father-in-law's favourite joke.

You can kiss a Nun but don't get into the habit.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

I formed the habit of not telling anyone about my plans until I succeed

now I fail without anybody even knowing.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

How many habits does a priest wear?

Nun.

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What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.

"Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails," the first woman explains.
"My husband had the same habit," the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth."

I have this habit of disappointing my parents

I have this habit of always disappointing my parents, last week I told them I was doing the bar exam, I was actually doing a pub quiz but it’s the same difference.

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.

That's a hard habit to break.

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

Did you hear the one about your momma?

Your momma’s so fat that the chicken crossed the road with a rabbi and walked into a bar. Knock knock. Saint Peter asked who’s there? Orange. Hi Orange, I’m Dad. Then the nun took off her habit and screamed there’s no punchline!

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Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.

"Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."

About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."

In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the set...

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

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Did you hear about the guy who had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks?

Bad minton

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

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There was an old man named Mr. Habit who died of a viagra overdose.

I guess old Habits die hard.

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and l...

Why was the nun kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money...

Priorities

A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy. As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down. He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ...

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food...

Yesterday, I had a sandwich named "Michael".

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Old habits dye hard ..

(reposting a joke I mean... )

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip o...

My dog had an habit of chasing people on a bike.

It got that bad that I had to take the bike off him.

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My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

My parents are really against my candlemaking habit.

One day, I came home, and saw that they had thrown away all of my parrafinalia.

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My girlfriend got annoyed with my habit of giving my penis nicknames, and left

Guess it's time to take Matters into my own hands now.

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

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Why did the nun become a stripper?

She didn’t have a choice, she was just doing it out of habit.

My friend once told me he doesn't like my habit of making jokes about murdering people.

Interesting choice of last words.

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

I want to start an online donation website for my cocaine and hookers habit.

I'm going to call it GoBlowMe

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

I've decided to get help with my drug habit.

I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

I keep ramming people off the road when I want to pass them.

I can't help it. It's a Forza habit.

I knew an amateur boxer with a coke habit.

He kept his stash in his headgear because he thought it would soften the blow.

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Driving habit..

One day a guy was driving with his 5 year old son and beeped his car horn by mistake.

The boy turned and looked at him for explanation.

He said," I did that by accident."

Boy replied " I know that , daddy."

He replied, " how do you know that?"

The boy said," Becaus...

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

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Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discus...

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...

... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Morning habits: everyday I have to pee at 6am

Then I wake up and get ready for work

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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Apparently Ive got a bad habit of correcting myself at the wrong moments

I think *edit: spelling* that's bullshit.

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

My friends say that too much of today's news can be discouraging--they say my habit of constantly reloading the CNN app will make me depressed.

but I think it's refreshing.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

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