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65 Jokes

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know th...

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.



The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me ...

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

In the bookstore, under "fiction".

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

Did you here about the 65-year-old woman who robbed banks with her mother?

Well they got caught.

She was charged with Grand Larceny.

Her mother was charged with Great-Grand Larceny.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?

Because old people hate change

What do you call Hispanic men that are over 65 years old?

Señor citizens.



I’ll see myself out thanks

Heisenberg was pulled over by a highway patrolman.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That's right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don't know where I am.

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck...

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Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

A 65 year old man is met by a genie

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.

The man says “I wish for a wife 30 years younger!”


So the genie made him 90.

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At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success is... having friends

At age 17, success is... having a driver's licence

At age 25, success is... having sex

At age 35, success is... having money

At age 45, success is... having money

At age 55, success is... having sex

At age 65, success ...

01101000011011110110010101110011 , 68 6f 65 73 , .... --- . ...

I've got hoes in codes.

A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts 65

The machine reads ‘dime’ so he gets closer and whispers Pepsi

65% of women will be objectified at some point in their lives.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years

That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

Hey Girl did you know you're over 65% Water?

And im thirsty.

My father told me that 65% of the lentils they farm go to Asia.

I asked him if they were ori-lentils.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "...

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My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day.

Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy!

True

Mother

Fucking

Story!!

Face-palm!

Almost 65% of statistics are made up.

The other half are lies.

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

There was an elderly couple aged 65 years old

Who had been married for 45 years. They shared a bed and like most couples had one side each, on her side was a bedside table with make up, hair curlers magazines etc, on his bedside table there was a small wooden box.

The husband went away to work one day and his wife was cleaning the house,...

An old woman ask her husband of 65 years...

what would you do if I stated smoking?

He quickly replies "Slow down and use more lube."

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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day

What does a 80 year old women taste like?












Depends..

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

The introduction of Yoga Pants have been found to be the cause of a 0.65 drop in the GPA of Males.

I dont have significant data to back this up, But i have some notes from college that show causation.

What's the best way to say hello to a non-binary person?

48 65 6c 6c 6f

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A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo.

She asks the clerk "How much for the white one?". He says "That one's $25." She asks "How much for the black one?" He says "That one's $45." She looks around for a bit then asks "Mmmm, how much for the plaid one?" Clerk responds "Ummm, that one's $65." "Great I'll take it." she says. The store owner...

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A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read: The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.


You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regio...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership…..

To find out the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insiste...

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

\- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?

\- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

\- Wow!, How can you be so...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

Interview

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.

Interviewer: What's 11 x 11?

Me: 65.

Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.

Me: It's 121.

It’s unlikely that President Trump truly has COVID...

He’s been paying others to take his tests for 65 years.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...

...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.

Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.

Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why ...

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying “65, 65, 65”

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she’s doing. She replies “Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?”

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last sec...

When my grandad turned SIXTY, I told him to run a mile a day.

Now he’s 65 and I don’t know where he is.

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John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and...

The other day I was visiting my 105-year–old grandfather in the nursing home.

I was asking him about what his marriage was like; he was married for 65 years before his wife died.

"Grandpa, what was it like being married for so long?" I asked.

He was getting to that point where he would often just kind of doze off or drift away mid-conversation, so I gave him a f...

Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things.

My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

Exercising when you get older is so important!

My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 65.

Now she's 92 and we don't know where the hell she is.

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so a man is pulled over

The cop walks up to the window and says sir, do you know why I pulled you over? The man says no and the cop says I clocked you doing 77 in a 65. May I see you license, registration and proof of insurance. The man says he not only has none of those but the car is stolen. The couple he stole it from ...

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

The "Age" of Dinosaurs

A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"

The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and ...

Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins ...

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

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Another Dad joke

Four old guys are playing their almost daily round of golf one day. They get to the teebox on a par 3 which is within sight of a nearby road. The first three guys hit their shots and miss the green. The last old guy tees up his ball. Just then, a funeral procession drives by in the distance. The old...

Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

A college professor is teaching a retirement class

He says “If you want to retire at 65, you are going to have to succeed early”
A Blonde woman stands up and says “Who’s Ceed”

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

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A fiftyish woman is at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What`s the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."...

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 ye...

A little old man goes to the bank to take a house loan

The person behind the desk begins to shuffle around the papers and looks the old man in the eye and asks:

Banker: Aren't you a little bit too old to get a house loan?

Man: I know I'm 65 but I do have some funds saved as well. It's mostly my father who suggested I get a place of my own...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

Finally had a baby

A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't se...

Surprisingly, Doug Jones isn’t the best thing to come out of Alabama

I-65 North has been saving people from Alabama since 1959

Not only is my new Thesaurus terrible...

but it also died 65 million years ago

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